So you think you’re a hit with the ladies? In fact, you don’t think it you know it! You know what to say, when to say it and how it should be said. You’re acutely aware of every curve ball a woman can throw at you and you know exactly when to swing and when not to. When the times right you hit the home run! And you’ve got more than enough notches on your bedpost to attest the fact that you’re a certified P-I-M-P.

There might not be too many people who would openly describe themselves like this but there are more than a few who think it. The thing is, if you think of yourself as a ladies man or something of a player than you’re, to continue the baseball analogy, not actually batting in the big leagues. You see, anyone who has constructed an identity for themselves like this has, on some level, got something to prove.

Now, before you go backtracking and protesting that you yourself have nothing to prove, just pause for a minute and consider this situation: a guy friend asks you, “when was the last time you had sex?”. Would you be embarrassed, or feel the need to explain yourself in any way, if you had to tell him it was a year ago?

If the answer is anything other then, “no, not at all”, you have something to prove! In fact, this goes for whether you think you’re a ladies man, or if you’re not but you aspire to be one. And if you’re in the latter category then pay attention, it’ll be much easier for you if you never end up actually creating this identity for yourself.

The problem with believing that you’re a ladies man is that you constantly feel that you have to live up to it, you constantly feel that you have something to prove. You need to be having sex all the time, and with different women, and at least a few other people need to know about it. If you can’t see any problems with all of this then you really are lost in your own arrogance. So here’s something else to think about; so long as you are trapped in this cycle you will never, ever have the chance to be with the most sensual, most radiant and most alive women. Why? Because they do not care for neediness one iota, and that includes the need to prove yourself.

A woman who truly knows herself and her own value will be steadfast enough not to compromise for anything less than a man who feels complete. She’ll be able to smell neediness from a mile away, and will dismiss any man who possesses it with the bat of an eyelid. Why is it that this type of woman tends to be the most radiant and alive and attractive? Because she’s totally in touch with herself and her fullness, hence she doesn’t have to compromise for a man who doesn’t feel the same about himself.

If you want to settle for a monotonous cycle of assisted masturbation with a variety of women who are not in touch with their fullness then by all means be a ladies man, and know that it’s a self created identity that binds you to nothing more than this. If however you’d like to welcome the possibility of meeting a woman who will truly add fuel to your fire and make your heart sing, then abandon any ideas of being a player. Instead, focus on being a real and authentic man, a man who knows his own wholeness. An authentic man needs not and wants not, he has nothing to prove, not to anyone else and not even to himself.

What makes a relationship work?

Well, it’s been a while since I’ve been in a serious relationship myself but I recognise great advice when I hear it. That’s why I’m going to refer you to a man called Benjamin Smythe who can tell you exactly why and how his relationship works.

His explanation is deeply insightful, strikingly clear, and refreshingly different:

Just to recap:

1) No expectations. Expectations are painful for the one who expects, and only serve to obscure the true seeing of the other. In the absence of expectation you can see the true beauty of your partner.

2) Mutual self-interest. Sharing the joy of authentic mutual interest without ever pretending to be interested in anything that you’re not. Consequently, the relationship only ever takes place where both parties want to be. No one person needs the other to serve their own interests exclusively, or to sacrifice to serve the others interests exclusively.

3) Physical enjoyment of each others bodies. Not just sex, but appreciation, enjoyment and affection. Mutually satisfying experiences of the body.

For more on Benjamin Smythe check out:

benjamintsmythe.com

If you ask a woman what she wants from a man you’ll often hear the response that she wants to be treated like a princess. She’ll tell you that she’s looking for someone who is kind and gentle and caring.

And yet, there’s a whole lot of “nice guys” out there who could fulfill this role more than adequately but are never given the chance, because women always see them more as friends than lovers. You might even be one of these guys yourself! So, what the hell is happening here!?!

Well, women aren’t lying when they say that they want to be treated well and taken care of. Of course they want this, but this doesn’t embody everything they’re looking for otherwise all these “nice guys” would have women lining up to date them.

Women don’t simply want a guy who is nice for the sake of being nice because that’s the only way he knows how to be, or a guy who is nice out of a perceived sense of obligation. What they really want is a man who has the capacity to be kind and gentle and caring, but also the capacity to be dominant and purposeful and directive.

This kind of man chooses which mode of behaviour he will deploy, with whom, and according to the situation he is presented with. All of his actions, when directed towards his woman, will come from a place of love. This will mean that he is kind and caring mostly but at times he will also be commanding and purposeful. This kind of “nice guy” can be as gentle as anyone but he also knows how to be a man.

When presented with adverse circumstances he also has a darker side and the capacity to kill! He is not the kind of man who has the capacity to threaten or kill his woman but the kind of man who has the capacity to kill in order to protect his woman. He doesn’t just bumble through life being nice to everyone in any and all situations. When drastic action is called for he takes it!

He is capable of taking control of a situation and steering it in the right direction for himself and the good of all those concerned, especially his woman. The ways and means he uses to take control of a situation might not be “nice” but he does what he has to do.

A man who possesses such a dark side may or may not abuse it. However, if he does abuse it and begins to use his dark side to manipulate situations to serve his own ends at all times he becomes no better than the guy who only knows how to be nice. Each of them represent one side of the coin.

What a woman really wants is the “total package”.

She wants a man who is prepared to take control, a man who is prepared to do whatever needs to be done, not just for himself but also for her. And equally, she wants a man who is gallant and respectful and who will make her feel as special as she is.

She wants the killer, but she wants the killer that will treat her like a queen. She wants the nice guy, but she wants the nice guy who knows how not to be nice. This is the kind of “nice guy” who doesn’t finish last. In fact he sits at the top of the podium as a woman’s first choice.

If you’re looking for love then you’re looking for a relationship in which both you, and the woman you relate to, become more and more open to each other. You open through pain, you open through fear, and you open even though it feels safer to close down.

You keep opening and opening and opening. You open again and again until it’s absolutely clear that there is no separation between the two of you -that’s love!

If you are looking for this depth of openness and love then it’s best to start out on the right foot. In other words, when you approach a woman you should be completely open and raw about how she makes you feel. If you are driven to approach her because she radiates sensuality -tell her! If you were compelled to strike up a conversation because she looks absolutely adorable and you’d be kicking yourself if you didn’t say hello -tell her!

Usually, it feels a little scarier to start talking to a stranger using words that are absolutely real and heartfelt, but this really is starting out on the right foot. Have the courage to be open from the outset, and maintain the courage to keep opening and opening even in the face of adversity. This will help you to grow massively as an individual. More importantly, it will lead you closer and closer to love, depth and unity.

Conversely, closing down in the face of adversity will lead you to separation, isolation and pain. It is a simple choice, and much more easily written about then acted out, but if the desire for love is strong enough you will start openly and continue to open further.

“Desire is the starting point of all achievement, not a hope, not a wish, but a keen pulsating desire which transcends everything” -Napoleon Hill

If you desire love strongly enough it will transcend your fear of opening up.

One of the most common mistakes we make as individuals is to seek happiness outside of ourselves. We believe that external circumstances can make us feel complete, so we run around trying to acquire things that will make us happy.

The one “thing” that seems to promise the most happiness is an intimate relationship. Men and women alike, often feel that if they could have the perfect relationship it would complete them. However, most of us usually overlook the fact that if you’re seeking happiness through someone else then it means that you’re not happy by yourself. And who wants to be with an unhappy and unfulfilled individual?

If you’re seeking happiness from someone else then you’re going to be stumbling through life with an air of desperation, constantly seeking fulfilment from others. With nothing to offer but everything to gain you become like a vampire, seeking to suck the happiness out of everyone you meet.

People, and particularly women, will become repelled by you because beneath all your communication they can feel your neediness sucking the life out of them.

Contrast this with someone who already feels fulfilled, without the need of anyone else to make him feel full. This kind of man has nothing to gain from others, and instead he has everything to offer. Rather than stumbling through life with a wanting look on his face trying to acquire happiness from those he meets, this kind of man glides through his day with a sunshine smile and shares what he has to offer with the world.

Being happy and fulfilled is very attractive. A happy and healthy relationship is one in which two people share their happiness with each other.

“Being happy, making happy -this is the rhythm of love” -Nisargadatta

When you find happiness within yourself then sure enough someone else will show up to share their happiness with you.

When a man approaches a woman and his approach fails to galvanise the attention and attraction of that woman, it’s usually because of one simple problem -he lacks commitment.

He approaches with 50 or 60 percent commitment, and consequently that approach lacks any clarity or conviction. From the words that are spoken, to the eye contact, to the smile, and all the way down to the tone of the voice, the approach is weak.

In order for an approach to sweep a woman off her feet it requires total commitment. Without total commitment a you’re relying on nothing but hope. History has some great examples of what it means to be totally committed.

More than 300 years before Christ, Alexander the Great crossed from Europe into Asia on his path towards conquering Persia. On the shores of the Asia Minor he ordered the boats that were his army’s sole means of retreat to be burned.

This is total commitment!

When you approach a woman you need to burn your boats, so that there is no avenue for retreat. Starting a conversation under some bullshit false pretence is simply not going to cut it. You have to march over and call it exactly how it is.

“Hey! I HAD to meet you!”

Not only do you need to state your intentions with total commitment verbally, but you need to communicate total commitment through your eye contact, smile, body language and tonality. When Alexander the Great ordered the burning of the boats he only had one outcome in mind, the only alternative was death.

When you approach a woman you should have only one outcome in mind. If that outcome doesn’t materialise then you face rejection, which is the death of your ego. The willingness to face this death shows great character!

This is the kind of character that a woman will yield to.

This is the kind of character that a woman can trust.

A woman cannot trust a man who doesn’t have the courage to approach her with total commitment or the clarity to say exactly what’s on his mind, because in truth, that man does not trust himself.

“If you want to take the island, then burn your boats. With absolute commitment come the insights that create real victory.” -Tony Robbins

Every man should have two loves in his life. First, he should have a passion for women and the pursuit of a loving relationship. Second, and more significantly, he should have a passion and pursuit that is a means to an end, in and of itself. What I mean by this is that a man should find out what it is that he loves to do, he should find out what his passion and purpose is.

Why?

Well, first and foremost because without a passion and purpose through which to filter your energy you will feel very empty, your life will feel useless. You become like a blunt knife, with a definite design and purpose, and yet lacking the edge that is needed to penetrate life fully and give your gift to the world.

As a result of not having a passion or purpose you might work in a job that doesn’t motivate you creatively. Consequently, both work and play become a means to an unsatisfactory end. Work becomes simply a way to make money, you grind it out through gritted teeth until your wage slip comes through. And, as a result of this, your free time is all about trying to unwind and absolutely nothing more.

Contrast this with someone who is living his passion. Every moment of his working life is a joy and every moment of his leisure is a celebration. This kind of man is not empty, rather he is full to the brim and beyond, overflowing and sharing what he has to offer with the world. If you haven’t found your passion in life then do what you can to find it, first and foremost for your own personal well being.

There is of course a secondary reason to find your passion in life. The pursuit of a loving relationship will be far, far easier if you’re a man with passion and purpose in life. A man with passion and purpose is a very attractive man, he has a definite edge and he can penetrate life and his woman without holding anything back, he can open them up with his gifts and love. A man who can live fully is also a man who can love fully.

In fact, when you’ve found your love in life in terms of your passion and purpose, it’s likely that you won’t have to spend so much time pursuing a woman to have a loving relationship with. Instead she’ll pursue you!

Find your love and love will find you

If you’re a man who values himself you won’t settle for anything less than choosing to get the best out of life. You want to have a career that inspires you, you want to eat good food, live in nice accommodation, have a great circle of friends and enjoy all the culture that life has to offer.

And if you are this kind of man you shouldn’t settle for anything less when it comes to finding the right woman. This means that you shouldn’t settle for a woman who you are not wholly attracted to and inspired by, and more importantly, you shouldn’t settle for anything less than loving that woman totally.

When I say that you shouldn’t settle for a woman that you aren’t wholly attracted to, I do not mean by this that you should overlook every woman who doesn’t absolutely adhere to your “fantasy woman”. I simply mean that you should feel a strong sexual attraction.

Perhaps as important as this sexual attraction, or even more so, you should feel inspired by a woman. There should be something deeper than just the physical attraction, something about a woman that invigorates you in some way. I don’t mean that you simply share commonalities and get on well together, but rather that she possesses some quality that helps you to grow in some way.

Being around her you might get the feeling that you can be more of what you already are; more decisive, more determined, more empathetic, more loving. Ultimately, if she doesn’t inspire you and excite you in some way that is more than just physical you probably shouldn’t be with her, this will not help you to grow.

“Every moment of one’s existence one is growing into more or retreating into less. One is always living a little more or dying a little bit.” -Norman Mailer

When you meet a woman who causes sexual attraction, inspires and excites you, you should act upon your desire to be with her. You should express exactly how you feel about her with total clarity, even if this might seem scary.

And should you manage to secure a relationship with this woman then you should love her totally, without holding anything back. You aspire to be the best at your chosen profession, you aspire to be the best friend that you can possibly be, you aspire to be the most that you can possibly be in life. So why aspire to be anything less than the absolute best lover that you can possibly be?

Inspire her the same way that she inspires you, by loving her with all your heart and penetrating her very being with your total loving presence. In doing so you will be rewarded by having the totality of your love reflected back to you from her. She will radiate femininity and love back toward you and you can bask in it and all its glory.

“I could climb any mountain, for your love is like a fountain. Let it shower down over me, soak me to the bone. Pour it all over me, am I coming home?” -Ian Brown

However, should you choose to love your woman less than totally or to dilute your love in some way, you will not reap these rewards! If your love for your woman becomes fragmented in some way, perhaps because you choose to have more than one woman or because you know you have settled for a woman that isn’t who you really desire, then you will have to suffer the consequences.

The love that is reflected back to you will be merely a fragment also. You will not feel satisfied by this love and you certainly won’t be able to bask in it. You might even feel badly nourished by your relationship, just as you feel after eating an unhealthy and unbalanced meal.

You can go on living a meagre existence in this way, retreating into less and less of the man that you are, or you could live life fully by loving your woman totally and allowing her to nurture your growth just as the sun and the rain nurture the flowers, causing them to bloom into their fullest beauty and potential.

There is absolutely no reason to settle for less than this!

It’s so common to latch on to the idea that one day we will arrive at a place where we can say, “That’s it! I’ve achieved everything!”. We believe that one day we will have the perfect career, the perfect group of friends, the perfect lifestyle, etc, etc.

The list goes on and on.

However, the truth is that no matter what we achieve we will never feel that we have arrived at our final destination. That’s why after the initial satisfaction of achieving a goal that we’ve been striving for there is often a feeling of emptiness.

In fact, the true joy is to be found in the process of growth that occurs during the striving. After achieving a goal there is a little satisfaction and a little relief but there is no more striving, no more growth, and hence little more joy.

“When you’re green you’re growing. When you’re ripe you rot.” -Ray Kroc

That’s why it’s so important to enjoy the process of life, as opposed to focusing on an end goal and assuming that the achieving of this is when you’ll find happiness. The very idea that happiness lies somewhere in the future contains within it the assumption that happiness cannot be now!

Typically, when one goal is achieved another goal supersedes it. If this doesn’t happen then stagnation occurs. And so, in the absence of stagnation, all there is is the continual process of life. Within this there is constant change and constant growth. If you cannot learn to enjoy and appreciate this process then you are rejecting the nature of life itself.

Of course, all this applies to women and the ability to relate to them. There is no end goal. There is never a point where you will totally understand women or possess the perfect ability to relate to women. Life goes on and on, and as it does you learn more and more about women and their way.

And as with most things in life:

“The more you learn the more you realise how little you know” -Socrates

This might sound a little disappointing to some but I wouldn’t have it any other way. The beauty of women is in the mystery. The more and more you realise how little you know about women the more you become astounded by the mystery and the magnitude of the feminine.

“Mystery is more than half of beauty, the element of strangeness that stirs the senses through imagination” -Richard Le Gallienne

There’s nothing wrong with having the goal of becoming better at understanding women or the goal of becoming better at relating to women. In fact, these are good, worthy and fruitful goals. However, don’t forget that there is no final destination but rather a never ending unfolding.

Have your goals and achieve them. Set new goals and achieve them too!

Enjoy the satisfaction of setting a target and hitting it. But don’t forget to set new targets. Don’t forget that the process goes on and on and on. Don’t forget that this is the only way to keep growing. Don’t forget that you will never have a total understanding of women.

Enjoy the process. Enjoy the process of striving from one goal to the next to the next to the next. Enjoy the process of opening up more and more to the mystery of women.

Sensuality can be defined as “The enjoyment and expression of pleasure”. We crave to enjoy pleasure in all its forms, in particular we crave to enjoy sexual pleasure. However, if you are unable to express pleasure than it’s unlikely that you’re going to be granted many opportunities to experience sexual pleasure.

Why?

Because someone who is unable to express the enjoyment of all the pleasures of life comes across as a very stale individual indeed. Someone who is unable to express all the pleasures of life lacks any juiciness whatsoever. They are as dry as a piece of stale bread.

Conversely, someone who is able to express pleasure communicates with vibrancy and radiates aliveness. They are as juicy as a succulent strawberry. Furthermore, since the act of having sex represents the height of sensuality and aliveness, the ability to express pleasure, or be sensual, is very sexually attractive.

What does the expression of pleasure look like?

Well, Marvin Gaye seems to have it down pretty well in this grainy video of a live performance of  “Let’s get it on”:

So, how can we be more sensual if we’re not already inclined to be this way?

Well, don’t worry, I don’t expect you to start writhing around like Marvin in this youtube clip whilst you’re conversing with women. Actually, what it boils down to is two things. First, being more in touch with life itself and the aliveness that lights up our senses every second of every day. Second, simply communicating the joy that comes from this absolute intimacy with the sensuality of life.

Being more in touch with life itself and it’s sensuality can be achieved by stilling the mind, when the mind is still the senses are open and the aliveness of life is felt. This is what happens when we are overwhelmed by astounding beauty. For this reason it’s good to spend time communing with nature, because nature is nothing but astounding beauty; the sight of a raindrop sliding down a leaf, the feeling of the wind on your skin, or bathing in a perfect sunset.

Being able to communicate the joy of this sensuality is a natural consequence of experiencing it, and not being afraid to express how it makes you feel. You’ll find that the sensual experience of being with nature is not dissimilar to the sensual experience of being in the presence of a woman. Just as you can breathe in a beautiful scene in nature you can also breathe in a beautiful woman. And, as the senses are filled with the aliveness of what is right there in front of you there can be a spontaneous communication of the joy of this.

This is the enjoyment and the expression of pleasure… Sensuality!