The inability of men and women to get together in the modern era and the spawning of thousands of internet dating sites is your fault! You, as a man, are responsible. It is not the woman’s role to initiate contact or move things forward, it is the man’s responsibility to take command and act upon his desire to connect.

However, modern men, yourself included, have become so weakened by the world that they have lost contact with the their own innate courageousness. The courage to go for what you want and to be directive and purposeful is the very essence of what makes you a man. Courage is the fuel to your masculine fire. For most men that burning fire has been reduced to a pile of ash and smoke, no longer capable of warming a woman’s heart.

Consequently, women and weak men have been reduced to scouring the internet to find a lover in a “safe” manner rather than embrace the joy and aliveness of connecting face to face for the first time.

However, it is not the women’s fault. Men claim that women are sometimes bitchy and rude which makes initiating contact difficult, but it is not a woman’s nature to be bitchy or rude. A woman’s nature is pure openness, each and every one is born like this. This openness only begins to withdraw upon itself and close down upon meeting men who want to take and not to give. It is a protection mechanism that results from contact with weak men.

In this sense the problem is twofold. First, men have lost the courage to act upon their intentions, and second, men have lost the courage to love a woman totally without trying to take and not give. The want and need of modern mans ego acts as a vale which obscures his deeper desire for true connection.

The problem lies with you!

The great news is that you as a man can relight your fire. The pile of smoke and ash that you have been reduced to can burn brightly once again. And among a whole society of weak men, the burning fire of your masculinity will act as a bright light that shines forth and warms the heart of a woman in a way that other men simply can’t.

All it takes is a little realignment with your basic masculine feelings and abandonment of the societal conditioning that restricts your every action.

Feel your desire to merge with the radiance of a woman.

Embrace the fear of this and love that fear violently.

For loving fear is is the essence of courageousness.

And the courageousness to act with direction and purpose is the essence of your masculinity.

Society has weakened you, now reclaim your strength!

So your social circle hasn’t been yielding fruit for some time and you doubt it ever will again. This is very common. You get to a certain point where you’ve been in the same job for a long time and your social circle is no longer expanding. Consequently, all the women you know are either friends or unavailable.

Usually, this is when the idea of learning the art of talking to strangers is taken up. No doubt this is a great skill to learn. However, it certainly isn’t the easiest way to meet women. The easiest way is through your social circle. So, how does one go about reviving a stagnant social circle?

Well, it’s a lot simpler than you might think:

Step 1 – Expanding Connections

If your social circle is no longer growing it’s probably rotting. You see the same old faces and you go through the same old routines. Time to switch things up. The first thing you must do is expand.

Take up a couple of new hobbies. Maybe do some things you have been thinking about doing for a long time but never got around to. Don’t bullshit yourself and pretend you don’t have time because all it takes is a couple of hours out of your week. That’ll be two hours less wasted in front of the TV. Make sure whatever you choose is something you’re genuinely interested in and something that’ll introduce you to a lot of new people. Some great ideas include salsa classes, yoga, fitness classes, rock climbing, Spanish lessons, etc. Group activities will be a lot better than solo activities like the gym.

Whatever you decide on make a concerted effort to be social before, after and even during the activity. Introduce yourself to people and make connections. When you meet people you get on with, male or female, keep in contact. Do not immediately crack on to every woman you meet. This will not help your cause.

Step 2 – Solidifying Connections

After you’ve made a few connections and exchanged contact details you have to start to make things social by organising some meet-ups. After all, it’s not a social circle if it’s not social. The last thing you need is a few more people on your facebook friends list whom you don’t ever meet up with.

The easiest and lowest investment meet-up is to do something after your usual shared hobby. If you met some cool guys at a rock climbing class then invite them to out for a beer after class sometime. If you met some fun women at Spanish lessons then take them for a coffee after the lesson. This allows some time to build rapport and get used to hanging out together outside of your usual hobby. After this it’ll be much easier to invite them out somewhere else another time.

At this stage it’s all about turning connections into real friends who are part of your social life, people that you actually hang out with from time to time.

Step 3 – Network Generation

After a few weeks you should have a few pockets of new buddies that you hang around with here and there, plus your existing friends from before. Step three is where the magic happens, this is where you actually generate a new network.

This is done by organising plans to get everybody together. It doesn’t matter if it’s a party, a club night, a festival or anything else. If you can get a few different pockets of friends together to share some fun you will start to generate a new social network. Make every event you organise an open invitation so that friends of friends are always welcome. This ensures that even your new guy friends are likely to bring more women into your network.

I call it your network because you are the creator, and as such you get to be the most significant person in the group. At any event you organise everyone who is there will be bound together by a common cause… You! This puts you in a great position to reap the rewards. All those friends you’ve made will see you in a more favourable light since you’ve put them in touch with new people. And the friends of friends whom you don’t really know yet will be more open to you as a result of the fact that you share a common friend.

The more times you can get people together the more you will solidify and expand your new social network. Don’t forget to make new connections and exchange contact details with everyone whom you meet. With a new and flourishing social circle it should be very easy to reap the rewards and double your dating. So, let’s talk about how to use your new social circle in your dating life…

Step 4 – Consider your Options

Unlike striking up a conversation with a total stranger, your social circle isn’t something that you should be prepared to crash and burn with. If you go around hitting on every woman you find even remotely attractive you’ll find that your new network falls apart pretty quickly, even if you’re successful. Take your time and consider your options carefully.

If you’re half intelligent you should have figured out whose available and whose not. You should have also had the opportunity to see who you have the best connection with and test the water with a little mild flirting. Decide exactly who it is that you’re most attracted to and don’t allow yourself to become distracted by several women at the same time.

Step 5 – State your Intentions

When I say take your time I don’t mean to the extreme. You snooze you lose. Things move more slowly in your social circle than if you approach a stranger in a bar. However, if you wait too long for the perfect moment then you’ll probably end up in the dreaded friends zone.

Sooner or later you have to grow some balls and let the woman you like know that you like her. Invite her out for a drink sometime, just the two of you. You should find that your success rate for getting a date together is much higher in your social circle than outside it. This is because the women in your social circle know you better and feel more comfortable with you.

However, if things don’t work out then stay friends, leave it a little while, keep your network ticking over, and find someone else you like a little later down the line. Needless to say, do not do anything to jeopardise your network. Do not go straight after the best friend of the one who rejected you, this will not help. With a new social network you should have plenty of opportunities from here on out.

So you think you’re a hit with the ladies? In fact, you don’t think it you know it! You know what to say, when to say it and how it should be said. You’re acutely aware of every curve ball a woman can throw at you and you know exactly when to swing and when not to. When the times right you hit the home run! And you’ve got more than enough notches on your bedpost to attest the fact that you’re a certified P-I-M-P.

There might not be too many people who would openly describe themselves like this but there are more than a few who think it. The thing is, if you think of yourself as a ladies man or something of a player than you’re, to continue the baseball analogy, not actually batting in the big leagues. You see, anyone who has constructed an identity for themselves like this has, on some level, got something to prove.

Now, before you go backtracking and protesting that you yourself have nothing to prove, just pause for a minute and consider this situation: a guy friend asks you, “when was the last time you had sex?”. Would you be embarrassed, or feel the need to explain yourself in any way, if you had to tell him it was a year ago?

If the answer is anything other then, “no, not at all”, you have something to prove! In fact, this goes for whether you think you’re a ladies man, or if you’re not but you aspire to be one. And if you’re in the latter category then pay attention, it’ll be much easier for you if you never end up actually creating this identity for yourself.

The problem with believing that you’re a ladies man is that you constantly feel that you have to live up to it, you constantly feel that you have something to prove. You need to be having sex all the time, and with different women, and at least a few other people need to know about it. If you can’t see any problems with all of this then you really are lost in your own arrogance. So here’s something else to think about; so long as you are trapped in this cycle you will never, ever have the chance to be with the most sensual, most radiant and most alive women. Why? Because they do not care for neediness one iota, and that includes the need to prove yourself.

A woman who truly knows herself and her own value will be steadfast enough not to compromise for anything less than a man who feels complete. She’ll be able to smell neediness from a mile away, and will dismiss any man who possesses it with the bat of an eyelid. Why is it that this type of woman tends to be the most radiant and alive and attractive? Because she’s totally in touch with herself and her fullness, hence she doesn’t have to compromise for a man who doesn’t feel the same about himself.

If you want to settle for a monotonous cycle of assisted masturbation with a variety of women who are not in touch with their fullness then by all means be a ladies man, and know that it’s a self created identity that binds you to nothing more than this. If however you’d like to welcome the possibility of meeting a woman who will truly add fuel to your fire and make your heart sing, then abandon any ideas of being a player. Instead, focus on being a real and authentic man, a man who knows his own wholeness. An authentic man needs not and wants not, he has nothing to prove, not to anyone else and not even to himself.

What makes a relationship work?

Well, it’s been a while since I’ve been in a serious relationship myself but I recognise great advice when I hear it. That’s why I’m going to refer you to a man called Benjamin Smythe who can tell you exactly why and how his relationship works.

His explanation is deeply insightful, strikingly clear, and refreshingly different:

Just to recap:

1) No expectations. Expectations are painful for the one who expects, and only serve to obscure the true seeing of the other. In the absence of expectation you can see the true beauty of your partner.

2) Mutual self-interest. Sharing the joy of authentic mutual interest without ever pretending to be interested in anything that you’re not. Consequently, the relationship only ever takes place where both parties want to be. No one person needs the other to serve their own interests exclusively, or to sacrifice to serve the others interests exclusively.

3) Physical enjoyment of each others bodies. Not just sex, but appreciation, enjoyment and affection. Mutually satisfying experiences of the body.

For more on Benjamin Smythe check out:

benjamintsmythe.com

If you ask a woman what she wants from a man you’ll often hear the response that she wants to be treated like a princess. She’ll tell you that she’s looking for someone who is kind and gentle and caring.

And yet, there’s a whole lot of “nice guys” out there who could fulfill this role more than adequately but are never given the chance, because women always see them more as friends than lovers. You might even be one of these guys yourself! So, what the hell is happening here!?!

Well, women aren’t lying when they say that they want to be treated well and taken care of. Of course they want this, but this doesn’t embody everything they’re looking for otherwise all these “nice guys” would have women lining up to date them.

Women don’t simply want a guy who is nice for the sake of being nice because that’s the only way he knows how to be, or a guy who is nice out of a perceived sense of obligation. What they really want is a man who has the capacity to be kind and gentle and caring, but also the capacity to be dominant and purposeful and directive.

This kind of man chooses which mode of behaviour he will deploy, with whom, and according to the situation he is presented with. All of his actions, when directed towards his woman, will come from a place of love. This will mean that he is kind and caring mostly but at times he will also be commanding and purposeful. This kind of “nice guy” can be as gentle as anyone but he also knows how to be a man.

When presented with adverse circumstances he also has a darker side and the capacity to kill! He is not the kind of man who has the capacity to threaten or kill his woman but the kind of man who has the capacity to kill in order to protect his woman. He doesn’t just bumble through life being nice to everyone in any and all situations. When drastic action is called for he takes it!

He is capable of taking control of a situation and steering it in the right direction for himself and the good of all those concerned, especially his woman. The ways and means he uses to take control of a situation might not be “nice” but he does what he has to do.

A man who possesses such a dark side may or may not abuse it. However, if he does abuse it and begins to use his dark side to manipulate situations to serve his own ends at all times he becomes no better than the guy who only knows how to be nice. Each of them represent one side of the coin.

What a woman really wants is the “total package”.

She wants a man who is prepared to take control, a man who is prepared to do whatever needs to be done, not just for himself but also for her. And equally, she wants a man who is gallant and respectful and who will make her feel as special as she is.

She wants the killer, but she wants the killer that will treat her like a queen. She wants the nice guy, but she wants the nice guy who knows how not to be nice. This is the kind of “nice guy” who doesn’t finish last. In fact he sits at the top of the podium as a woman’s first choice.

If you’re looking for love then you’re looking for a relationship in which both you, and the woman you relate to, become more and more open to each other. You open through pain, you open through fear, and you open even though it feels safer to close down.

You keep opening and opening and opening. You open again and again until it’s absolutely clear that there is no separation between the two of you -that’s love!

If you are looking for this depth of openness and love then it’s best to start out on the right foot. In other words, when you approach a woman you should be completely open and raw about how she makes you feel. If you are driven to approach her because she radiates sensuality -tell her! If you were compelled to strike up a conversation because she looks absolutely adorable and you’d be kicking yourself if you didn’t say hello -tell her!

Usually, it feels a little scarier to start talking to a stranger using words that are absolutely real and heartfelt, but this really is starting out on the right foot. Have the courage to be open from the outset, and maintain the courage to keep opening and opening even in the face of adversity. This will help you to grow massively as an individual. More importantly, it will lead you closer and closer to love, depth and unity.

Conversely, closing down in the face of adversity will lead you to separation, isolation and pain. It is a simple choice, and much more easily written about then acted out, but if the desire for love is strong enough you will start openly and continue to open further.

“Desire is the starting point of all achievement, not a hope, not a wish, but a keen pulsating desire which transcends everything” -Napoleon Hill

If you desire love strongly enough it will transcend your fear of opening up.

One of the most common mistakes we make as individuals is to seek happiness outside of ourselves. We believe that external circumstances can make us feel complete, so we run around trying to acquire things that will make us happy.

The one “thing” that seems to promise the most happiness is an intimate relationship. Men and women alike, often feel that if they could have the perfect relationship it would complete them. However, most of us usually overlook the fact that if you’re seeking happiness through someone else then it means that you’re not happy by yourself. And who wants to be with an unhappy and unfulfilled individual?

If you’re seeking happiness from someone else then you’re going to be stumbling through life with an air of desperation, constantly seeking fulfilment from others. With nothing to offer but everything to gain you become like a vampire, seeking to suck the happiness out of everyone you meet.

People, and particularly women, will become repelled by you because beneath all your communication they can feel your neediness sucking the life out of them.

Contrast this with someone who already feels fulfilled, without the need of anyone else to make him feel full. This kind of man has nothing to gain from others, and instead he has everything to offer. Rather than stumbling through life with a wanting look on his face trying to acquire happiness from those he meets, this kind of man glides through his day with a sunshine smile and shares what he has to offer with the world.

Being happy and fulfilled is very attractive. A happy and healthy relationship is one in which two people share their happiness with each other.

“Being happy, making happy -this is the rhythm of love” -Nisargadatta

When you find happiness within yourself then sure enough someone else will show up to share their happiness with you.

When a man approaches a woman and his approach fails to galvanise the attention and attraction of that woman, it’s usually because of one simple problem -he lacks commitment.

He approaches with 50 or 60 percent commitment, and consequently that approach lacks any clarity or conviction. From the words that are spoken, to the eye contact, to the smile, and all the way down to the tone of the voice, the approach is weak.

In order for an approach to sweep a woman off her feet it requires total commitment. Without total commitment a you’re relying on nothing but hope. History has some great examples of what it means to be totally committed.

More than 300 years before Christ, Alexander the Great crossed from Europe into Asia on his path towards conquering Persia. On the shores of the Asia Minor he ordered the boats that were his army’s sole means of retreat to be burned.

This is total commitment!

When you approach a woman you need to burn your boats, so that there is no avenue for retreat. Starting a conversation under some bullshit false pretence is simply not going to cut it. You have to march over and call it exactly how it is.

“Hey! I HAD to meet you!”

Not only do you need to state your intentions with total commitment verbally, but you need to communicate total commitment through your eye contact, smile, body language and tonality. When Alexander the Great ordered the burning of the boats he only had one outcome in mind, the only alternative was death.

When you approach a woman you should have only one outcome in mind. If that outcome doesn’t materialise then you face rejection, which is the death of your ego. The willingness to face this death shows great character!

This is the kind of character that a woman will yield to.

This is the kind of character that a woman can trust.

A woman cannot trust a man who doesn’t have the courage to approach her with total commitment or the clarity to say exactly what’s on his mind, because in truth, that man does not trust himself.

“If you want to take the island, then burn your boats. With absolute commitment come the insights that create real victory.” -Tony Robbins

Every man should have two loves in his life. First, he should have a passion for women and the pursuit of a loving relationship. Second, and more significantly, he should have a passion and pursuit that is a means to an end, in and of itself. What I mean by this is that a man should find out what it is that he loves to do, he should find out what his passion and purpose is.

Why?

Well, first and foremost because without a passion and purpose through which to filter your energy you will feel very empty, your life will feel useless. You become like a blunt knife, with a definite design and purpose, and yet lacking the edge that is needed to penetrate life fully and give your gift to the world.

As a result of not having a passion or purpose you might work in a job that doesn’t motivate you creatively. Consequently, both work and play become a means to an unsatisfactory end. Work becomes simply a way to make money, you grind it out through gritted teeth until your wage slip comes through. And, as a result of this, your free time is all about trying to unwind and absolutely nothing more.

Contrast this with someone who is living his passion. Every moment of his working life is a joy and every moment of his leisure is a celebration. This kind of man is not empty, rather he is full to the brim and beyond, overflowing and sharing what he has to offer with the world. If you haven’t found your passion in life then do what you can to find it, first and foremost for your own personal well being.

There is of course a secondary reason to find your passion in life. The pursuit of a loving relationship will be far, far easier if you’re a man with passion and purpose in life. A man with passion and purpose is a very attractive man, he has a definite edge and he can penetrate life and his woman without holding anything back, he can open them up with his gifts and love. A man who can live fully is also a man who can love fully.

In fact, when you’ve found your love in life in terms of your passion and purpose, it’s likely that you won’t have to spend so much time pursuing a woman to have a loving relationship with. Instead she’ll pursue you!

Find your love and love will find you

If you’re a man who values himself you won’t settle for anything less than choosing to get the best out of life. You want to have a career that inspires you, you want to eat good food, live in nice accommodation, have a great circle of friends and enjoy all the culture that life has to offer.

And if you are this kind of man you shouldn’t settle for anything less when it comes to finding the right woman. This means that you shouldn’t settle for a woman who you are not wholly attracted to and inspired by, and more importantly, you shouldn’t settle for anything less than loving that woman totally.

When I say that you shouldn’t settle for a woman that you aren’t wholly attracted to, I do not mean by this that you should overlook every woman who doesn’t absolutely adhere to your “fantasy woman”. I simply mean that you should feel a strong sexual attraction.

Perhaps as important as this sexual attraction, or even more so, you should feel inspired by a woman. There should be something deeper than just the physical attraction, something about a woman that invigorates you in some way. I don’t mean that you simply share commonalities and get on well together, but rather that she possesses some quality that helps you to grow in some way.

Being around her you might get the feeling that you can be more of what you already are; more decisive, more determined, more empathetic, more loving. Ultimately, if she doesn’t inspire you and excite you in some way that is more than just physical you probably shouldn’t be with her, this will not help you to grow.

“Every moment of one’s existence one is growing into more or retreating into less. One is always living a little more or dying a little bit.” -Norman Mailer

When you meet a woman who causes sexual attraction, inspires and excites you, you should act upon your desire to be with her. You should express exactly how you feel about her with total clarity, even if this might seem scary.

And should you manage to secure a relationship with this woman then you should love her totally, without holding anything back. You aspire to be the best at your chosen profession, you aspire to be the best friend that you can possibly be, you aspire to be the most that you can possibly be in life. So why aspire to be anything less than the absolute best lover that you can possibly be?

Inspire her the same way that she inspires you, by loving her with all your heart and penetrating her very being with your total loving presence. In doing so you will be rewarded by having the totality of your love reflected back to you from her. She will radiate femininity and love back toward you and you can bask in it and all its glory.

“I could climb any mountain, for your love is like a fountain. Let it shower down over me, soak me to the bone. Pour it all over me, am I coming home?” -Ian Brown

However, should you choose to love your woman less than totally or to dilute your love in some way, you will not reap these rewards! If your love for your woman becomes fragmented in some way, perhaps because you choose to have more than one woman or because you know you have settled for a woman that isn’t who you really desire, then you will have to suffer the consequences.

The love that is reflected back to you will be merely a fragment also. You will not feel satisfied by this love and you certainly won’t be able to bask in it. You might even feel badly nourished by your relationship, just as you feel after eating an unhealthy and unbalanced meal.

You can go on living a meagre existence in this way, retreating into less and less of the man that you are, or you could live life fully by loving your woman totally and allowing her to nurture your growth just as the sun and the rain nurture the flowers, causing them to bloom into their fullest beauty and potential.

There is absolutely no reason to settle for less than this!