Four points of communication more important than words…

When it comes to talking to women the age old question of “what should I say?” is very much misplaced. Sure, there are certain things its important to communicate to a woman verbally and there are certain things you shouldn’t communicate with your words. However, ultimately you will be judged more on what you communicate non-verbally. This includes the tone of your voice, the pace and intonation of your speech, your expressions and your body language.

Even in the dating industry so much advice is given on what to say that these crucial factors are often overlooked. In fact, so much emphasis is placed on the words that often dating coaches will advice against asking questions like “where are you from?” because they are deemed to be rapport seeking. However, the reality is that you can use this question in such a way that it would even break rapport. This is why these non-verbal factors are so much more critical.

Tonality
I’m not the first to say it but you can use your tonality in three distinct ways (credit Tim of RSD for introducing this concept to the dating industry); one of those ways is to raise your tonality toward the end of the sentence, another is to keep the tone steady through the sentence, and another is to lower it towards the end of the sentence. Raising your tonality is known as trying for rapport and is very low value, its like the way a child talks to its mother when its desperately trying to get something. Keeping a steady tonality is what we normally do with our friends and is known as neutral rapport, and lowering your tonality is the way your boss might talk to you and is called breaking rapport.

In the early stages of communicating with women its best to use neutral and breaking rapport tonalities.

Pace and intonation of speech
Using variations in pace and intonation we can accentuate different words that we’re saying. Using these tools you can convey surprise or even change a statement into a question. Typically, most guys who approach a woman to try and chat her up will make two common mistakes with the pace of their speech and their intonation. First, they will talk way too quickly, and second, they speak in a monotone with no intonation or variance at all. This is often a result of being nervous and communicates to the woman that they’re talking to that they’re not feeling confident.

Confident people who are good communicators usually talk at quite a steady pace, using pauses and variances in intonation to enhance their message.

Expressions
Expressions come in the form of facial expressions and gestures and can also be used to accentuate what your saying. One of the most powerful expressions there is is a big smile, it says so much without saying a word. Changing your facial expressions as you tell a story can communicate a number of different emotions that are contained within that story and using you gestures can really provide emphasis to the most important points in it. Its also common for guys who are talking to women to not be expressive as a result of nerves.

Great communicators use a range of facial expressions and compliment everything they say with appropriate gesticulation.

Body language
Body language is the way that you position your body when you speak and will also reveal to the woman your speaking to how confident your feeling. Typically, guys will not look relaxed when they approach a women. Their weight of their body will be shifting from foot to foot, their arms may be crossed in a defensive position, they may be fidgeting and they are often unable to hold eye contact.

The best way to communicate that your strong on the inside is to stand in the most vulnerable position, with your hands by your sides and your feet shoulder width apart firmly planted to the ground. Strong eye contact will also show that your feeling solid and confident internally.

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