The most important and most often forgotten medium of communication is… Touch!
Communicating through touch is one of the most fundamental things you must do when interacting with a woman with whom you’d like to be sexually involved. Sex, which is the ultimate form of touching, doesn’t just happen out of the blue. During the course of a relationship there is a progression from more formal forms of touching, to more intimate forms of touching, and then on to sex. Without the progression sex isn’t going to happen!
In fact, the absence of touch is often the root cause of other problems that guys have in their dating life.
One major problem guys have is that they get a lot of phone numbers but none of those phone numbers result in dates. This can be the result of a number of different things, for instance, because there was no connection between the two of you, or because you were being inauthentic in the interaction.
However, even if you had a great connection and you interacted with 100% authenticity an absence of touch can still undermine the interaction enough that she doesn’t feel comfortable enough to pick up the phone. This is because a verbal connection is incredibly weak compared to a physical connection. Ultimately, you need both but touch is the most powerful form of communication and if it’s missing everything else can often just fade away too.
Another problem guys have is that they fall into the “friends zone”. Again, this can happen for a number of reasons. For instance, falling into this trap is sometimes the result of being too nice and not creating any emotional spikes in an interaction. However, the “friends zone” is also the result of the absence of the most intimate form of communication, touch.
No matter how witty, funny or charming you may be, if you go for 20 minutes in the beginning of an interaction without any touch whatsoever then it’s unlikely that you will be seen as anything more than a friend.
So how do we introduce and escalate touching?
Here’s an example of a typical interaction I might have approaching a cute girl on the street and how I would introduce touch:
Me: Hey, I know this is completely random, but I just saw you from across the street and your adorable, I had to meet you. I’m Seb.
(At this point I stick my hand out for a hand shake. As simple and formal as this is it is the first point of contact)
Girl: Oh, thank you. My name is Lizzy.
Me: So tell me something about you Lizzy. What do you do when your not walking down the street looking cute in your little, red hat. You’re a student or you have a job?
Girl: Erm, actually I work in advertising.
Me: Awesome! Your a rich advertising executive! That means me and you can get married and you can pay the bills while I lie on the sofa and watch TV.
(While I make this little joke I’ll probably touch her on the shoulder to accentuate the humour in what I’m saying)
Girl: Ha, ha. That doesn’t sound like a very good deal to me.
As the conversation continues I’ll continue to complement all my verbal communication with corresponding touching. I’ll do this by touching on the shoulder, playfully pushing her away at times and at other times pulling her in and giving her a little half a hug. For example, I might say something like “your so adorable it’s disturbing” while at the same time pulling her in and giving her a little half a hug.
If we part company fairly early on in the first meeting, after 5 or 10 minutes, I’ll always ask for a kiss on the cheek and a cuddle before we go our separate ways.
Later in the interaction, maybe on a date you can start to bring in more intimate forms of touching. For example, touching the hair or face, and more intimate kinds of kissing. The key is to progress steadily but surely, sometimes you can go quicker and sometimes you might have to move a bit slower depending on the woman and the situation.
If you find it difficult to use touch as a form of communication then you’ll be unlikely to be using it in the form of pleasure, for instance, when your having sex. So, when it comes to touch, use it or lose it!
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Sebastian Callow is a personal dating coach for men in London. Unlike other dating services he provides a practical, real-life coaching experience that actually involves meeting and interacting with women in everyday situations. Sebastian helps men develop the comfort and ease to express themselves with raw honesty. If you're unhappy with your dating life and you're hungry for change, the Personal Coaching Course could be exactly what you need.
Good article Seb. I like how u use touching on the shoulder or arm just slightly to accompany your conversation. The opener u used reminds me of the Push/Pull method – saying something nice and dove tail it with something slightly arrogant or cocky. Anyhow, when I meet girl friends from social circles I try to greet with a half hug and always when we part I give them a warm hug. That way, the other girls in the social circle will see this and know that I am a guy that women are comfortable being around.