Confidence is universally recognised as one of the most attractive traits a man can possess. You’ll be very hard pressed to find any dating adverts by women looking for men lacking confidence. However, I would argue, based on my experience, that there is one quality that women value more than confidence.
That quality is COURAGE.
Confidence can be defined as “A feeling of assurance, especially of self-assurance,” or, “The state or quality of being certain.”
Meanwhile, courage can be defined as “The ability to do something that you know is right or good, even though it is dangerous, frightening, or very difficult.”
So, it would seem that the difference between confidence and courage is in certainty; confidence contains certainty whilst courage does not. Courage often involves stepping into the unknown, into seemingly dangerous or frightening situations.
Why then, if courage is lacking in certainty, would it be a more attractive trait than confidence?
Because courage represents the willingness to take a risk whilst confidence does not. Confidence, as valuable as it is, still operates within the realm of safety. It operates within the realm of the known. This is part of its beauty because it allows a definite outcome, but it is also its limitation because it cannot operate outside the realm of the known. In order to step into the unknown it takes courage!
A man who operates only in the realms of safety and the known doesn’t have the willingness to take a risk. He only takes the calculated risks that he knows will succeed, which, ultimately, are no risks at all.
A man who is prepared to step beyond the realms of the known for what he believes to be right and good will take any risk, and consequently his capabilities are limitless. This is the man who has courage!
A courageous man has the capability to approach any woman, in any situation, should he feel compelled. He knows not what the result will be.
A courageous man has the willingness to express exactly how he feels without any veil of insincerity. He knows not what the result will be.
A courageous man has the openness to be fragile or vulnerable or weak, even when it is expected that he should be solid and protected and strong. He knows not whether this will mean he is perceived favourably or unfavourably.
Courage opens up the doors to infinitely more possibility than confidence. And ultimately, women do not want to be limited by a man who only operates within the finite arena of confidence.
Don’t believe me?!?
Go out and ask some female friends if they’d aspire to be with a man who is afraid to express his emotions, who is afraid to be vulnerable, or who is afraid to be real and true to the intimacy of telling it exactly how it is. They might settle for a guy like this but it certainly isn’t what they aspire to.
In my own life I can say that I spent a long time in the absence of courage, a long time trying to live up to the confident man I thought I was expected to be. I never allowed myself to step beyond the known. I never strayed from the well-worn path of being self-assured. This placed a definitive limit on how deep my relationships could go, on how much trust and intimacy I could inspire in a woman.
When I finally found myself breaking free of the limitedness of confidence and embracing the expansive uncertainty of courageousness, suddenly, my relationships had a depth that seemed almost infinite. The courage to express myself with unreserved vulnerability inspired the trust that was required for a woman to reveal the fullness of her beauty to me.
Women are dying to meet real men. Men who are willing to step into the unknown. Men of COURAGE!
What does this mean practically?
It means don’t be afraid to express yourself if it feels right.
It means don’t be afraid to be in touch with your emotions if it feels good.
It means don’t be afraid to reveal your vulnerability in order to protect your ego.
Ultimately, it means don’t be afraid. Or, more accurately, whether or not you are afraid, take the actions that feel right and good in abandonment of protecting your ego.
Don’t expect that you have to be confident at all times. When confidence is absent courageousness takes over. Be courageous!
Want to get your dating life handled?
Sebastian Callow is a personal dating coach for men in London. Unlike other dating services he provides a practical, real-life coaching experience that actually involves meeting and interacting with women in everyday situations. Sebastian helps men develop the comfort and ease to express themselves with raw honesty. If you're unhappy with your dating life and you're hungry for change, the Personal Coaching Course could be exactly what you need.
Interesting subject close to my heart. According to Dr Paul & his brilliant Mind OS there is a 1 to 1 relation between courage & confidence. In short: do courage & you get confidence. Each time; 1 unit of courage gets you 1 unit of confidence. Thus you are right: courage is more important than confidence. Because confidence depends on courage. No courage, no confidence.
My personal experience is that courage is both a muscle that can be trained and a choice that has to be made in every new situation. Sometimes I’m courageous, doing what needs to be done, acting despite of my fear. And most times I’m not. Hard to admit yet essential to recognize. It helps to know that there will always be new opportunities to be courageous and that one can only grow in confidence whenever one choses to act courageous.
“Sometimes I’m courageous, doing what needs to be done, acting despite of my fear. And most times I’m not. Hard to admit and yet essential to recognise.”
And the very act of admitting to yourself that sometimes you let fear grab hold of you is courageousness also. Some people are too blinded by their own arrogance to admit that they have been restricted by fear, and so they don’t admit it and the same fearful patterns play out in the future. Conversely, becoming aware of when fear restricts you is itself the beginning of seeing those fearful patterns fade away in future situations.
make the topic of { both men women can be courages}
Saha, of course both men and women can be courageous. In many ways women are far more courageous than men. However, this website is for men who would like to be better at connecting with women. As such it is written from a mans perspective, and seeks to address the issues that men face in relating to women.
I like your little philosophy about confidence and courage and yes, confidence can only go up to the very end of safety, whereas courage actually goes BEYOND safety. In fact, I’ve also got a little philosophy about being yourself – if you’ve only got the confidence to be yourself, then you’ll only act in your normal manner without disappointing others, whereas if you’ve got the courage to be yourself, then you’ll actually act in your normal manner without FEAR of disappointing others.
Nice point Yidong. Yes, you need courage to avoid being a ‘people pleaser’ and to be the real you.
I now realize the difference is huge. CONFIDENCE is always behind . it is just known ,past ,reputation.. but COURAGE is new, unknown ,adventure and learning experience.. I NOW KNOW..THANKS!
Hey Authentic Man,
I completely agree with you here. I actually googled to see if any other men found courage to be really what is needed. I think the confidence discourse is a bit stale- ya know? Courage is something you can push to take on in the moment and that is empowering. Our feeling of confidence and self worth is a high goal and achieved over time but truly in an interaction where we go for someone or something we want- it take courage and sometimes we may have the fortune of confidence aligning with that courage.
Rock on authentic man.
-D
Spot on DP 😉
Courage, how can a person able to be courageous? Is it really a person can be ? or was it just what we all lack? it really is confusing . you don’t do dangerous thing just for the sake of it unless it provide sufficient meaning to your life . life has so many complication. what you did seems courageous to the bystander but you fully motivated by your fear. where is the ”courage” at this point. you save same ones life from horrible accident ,you did it with out give it a thought of doing such quick jerking action. basically such bravery has a core reason .the reason is fear. but the out side world never notice this . people take risks and play cards on a casino winning lots of dollars this action has no potential moral reason to be considered you as courageous. the trick existence of courage snicks from every hands looking to it. but there is a trap to get you where courage is simply an easy women to get lied on one stand .
No body has courage to entertain you as an example . courage most is like a fork road to any living creature. those who turn back because of no reason to choose are called ”helpless” those who take both are called ”cowards” those choose one from the other are called ”risk takers” those who don’t care about the result are ”fools” those who suffer from their miss are ”courageous”
This is a brilliant article well said that man. Courage is what is needed to grow. I see it even more clearly now that a woman will likely find a man who owns his brokenness in courage far more attractive than a man who hides his brokenness in a facade of confidence… Even if that confidence is legit.
Thanks for contributing Matthew, you’re absolutely right. One who doesn’t own their weaknesses cannot be trusted in the same way as one who is courageous enough to do so.
Ever since I came across this article, I’ve read it over annd over almost everyday. Sebastin Callow, God bless you. This couldn’t be truer.
I relate so much to this article but I felt this spoke directly to me,
“Go out and ask some female friends if they’d aspire to be with a man who is afraid to express his emotions, who is afraid to be vulnerable, or who is afraid to be real and true to the intimacy of telling it exactly how it is. They might settle for a guy like this but it certainly isn’t what they aspire to.”
I hope to make changes as the day goes & build most on my courage which would eventually birth confidence.
Cheers!
Thanks Dean, great to hear the post had such a positive influence!