If you ask a woman what she wants from a man you’ll often hear the response that she wants to be treated like a princess. She’ll tell you that she’s looking for someone who is kind and gentle and caring.
And yet, there’s a whole lot of “nice guys” out there who could fulfill this role more than adequately but are never given the chance, because women always see them more as friends than lovers. You might even be one of these guys yourself! So, what the hell is happening here!?!
Well, women aren’t lying when they say that they want to be treated well and taken care of. Of course they want this, but this doesn’t embody everything they’re looking for otherwise all these “nice guys” would have women lining up to date them.
Women don’t simply want a guy who is nice for the sake of being nice because that’s the only way he knows how to be, or a guy who is nice out of a perceived sense of obligation.
What they really want is a man who has the capacity to be kind and gentle and caring, but also the capacity to be dominant and purposeful and directive.
This kind of man chooses which mode of behaviour he will deploy, with whom, and according to the situation he is presented with. All of his actions, when directed towards his woman, will come from a place of love.
This will mean that he is kind and caring mostly but at times he will also be commanding and purposeful. This kind of “nice guy” can be as gentle as anyone but he also knows how to be a man.
When presented with adverse circumstances he also has a darker side and the capacity to kill! He is not the kind of man who has the capacity to threaten or kill his woman but the kind of man who has the capacity to kill in order to protect his woman.
He doesn’t just bumble through life being nice to everyone in any and all situations. When drastic action is called for he takes it!
He is capable of taking control of a situation and steering it in the right direction for himself and the good of all those concerned, especially his woman. The ways and means he uses to take control of a situation might not be “nice” but he does what he has to do.
A man who possesses such a dark side may or may not abuse it. However, if he does abuse it and begins to use his dark side to manipulate situations to serve his own ends at all times he becomes no better than the guy who only knows how to be nice. Each of them represent one side of the coin.
What a woman really wants is the “total package.”
She wants a man who is prepared to take control, a man who is prepared to do whatever needs to be done, not just for himself but also for her. And equally, she wants a man who is gallant and respectful and who will make her feel as special as she is.
She wants the killer, but she wants the killer that will treat her like a queen.
She wants the nice guy, but she wants the nice guy who knows how not to be nice.
This is the kind of “nice guy” who doesn’t finish last. In fact he sits at the top of the podium as a woman’s first choice.
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Sebastian Callow is a personal dating coach for men in London. Unlike other dating services he provides a practical, real-life coaching experience that actually involves meeting and interacting with women in everyday situations. Sebastian helps men develop the comfort and ease to express themselves with raw honesty. If you're unhappy with your dating life and you're hungry for change, the Personal Coaching Course could be exactly what you need.
Great read. You’ve articulated extremely well the necessary dichotomy of walking softly whilst carrying a big stick. To be a man is to embody these two characteristics simultaneously and have control over which is at the surface at any given time.
My question to you is how you demonstrate this to a woman? I would imagine that showing it is more powerful than telling her (e/g/, I can/would kill for you babe, lol). I can see how such complexity would naturally surface over time as the pair is exposed to varying situations, but during quick interactions (say an introduction) I think it would be hard to demonstrate.
Thanks for your comment Miars. With regard to your question, you’re quite right that showing it is more powerful than telling her. In fact, telling her sounds pretty lame, and the words might not actually match the truth of the matter. Anyone could say they would kill for their woman but not everyone could mean it, and women being the perceptive creatures they are will usually spot the truth beneath the words.
The short answer is that there is no guaranteed way to show this. If you have this capacity then some women will see it in you and others might not. However, I believe that the ability to be absolutely open and raw with the woman that you relate to will help this to shine through more often than not.
For instance, during a quick interaction, the willingness to kill for a woman can be demonstrated through the openness and willingness to express your desire for that woman with total clarity, even if this seems frightening. In expressing exactly how you feel about someone you stare rejection in the face, and rejection is the death of your ego. The willingness to face this death is an indication that you might be willing to face the death of your body, should the woman that you love be threatened. It shows that your primary motivation is truth and love and the expression of truth and love, above and beyond playing it safe and playing the protection game.
The willingness to face death is itself the capacity to kill, to kill or to be killed, to do whatever needs to be done to protect what you love.
Very interesting post. Dynamicism in a relationship is, I think, very important. Being able to show different sides of your personality — especially a dark side — is extremely attractive to women.
I’m not sure I agree, though, that that’s the reason why nice guys finish last (i.e. they only show their “nice” sides, or they don’t show their other sides). Most nice guys (i.e. like myself) are genuinely nice to be nice. Or nice because niceness is a form of power that puts others at ease, allowing one to influence (not manipulate!) them indirectly.
I think really the reason why many nice guys finish last is because they lack imagination. I don’t think so much that women want the whole package as much as they want to “imagine” the package. Nice guys, esp. when they like a girl, make it pretty clear what their intentions or feelings are, and thus don’t leave much upto the girl’s imagination. That, I think, is really why girls like them, but aren’t attracted to them.
Just a thought, though. Great post!
Charm
Thanks for your comment Charm. I’m not sure I agree with this however:
“Nice guys, esp. when they like a girl, make it pretty clear what their intentions or feelings are, and thus don’t leave much up to the girl’s imagination. That, I think, is really why girls like them, but aren’t attracted to them.”
In my experience the more courage I have to express my intentions and feelings, the more attraction and connection flourishes between myself and the woman I interact with. Women are not looking for men who are afraid or unable to express themselves, quite the contrary.
Thank you for your response!
I realize now how ambiguous my statement was. I agree with you that fear is probably the biggest turn off for women. It shows that a guy is more focused on himself than one making the girl feel good. Which is really what I meant — most guys communicate their feelings for a girl through nervous verbal or non-verbal clues (e.g. an awkward “hi” or smile).
Either way — it’s how you communicate with girls that really matters. Simply revealing your feelings/intentions to a girl isn’t going to create attraction. The way one communicates should actively engage her imagination. You are essentially right: it’s not the revealing of your intentions that creates attraction/connection — it’s the courage to do so. Courage shows imagination and sticking power.
I think we agree for the most part — my main point was simply that engaging a girl’s imagination is really the key to attraction — and not necessarily having the whole package. I’m not sure if there is any one set of qualities one must have to be attractive to women. Being an authentic man, for me, means putting all your natural qualities into play with every sexual encounter.
Anyways, thanks again for responding! I appreciate your insight.
Charm