So you think you’re a hit with the ladies? In fact, you don’t think it you know it! You know what to say, when to say it and how it should be said. You’re acutely aware of every curve ball a woman can throw at you and you know exactly when to swing and when not to. When the times right you hit the home run! And you’ve got more than enough notches on your bedpost to attest the fact that you’re a certified P-I-M-P.
There might not be too many people who would openly describe themselves like this but there are more than a few who think it. The thing is, if you think of yourself as a ladies man or something of a player than you’re, to continue the baseball analogy, not actually batting in the big leagues. You see, anyone who has constructed an identity for themselves like this has, on some level, got something to prove.
Now, before you go backtracking and protesting that you yourself have nothing to prove, just pause for a minute and consider this situation: a guy friend asks you, “when was the last time you had sex?”. Would you be embarrassed, or feel the need to explain yourself in any way, if you had to tell him it was a year ago?
If the answer is anything other then, “no, not at all”, you have something to prove! In fact, this goes for whether you think you’re a ladies man, or if you’re not but you aspire to be one. And if you’re in the latter category then pay attention, it’ll be much easier for you if you never end up actually creating this identity for yourself.
The problem with believing that you’re a ladies man is that you constantly feel that you have to live up to it, you constantly feel that you have something to prove. You need to be having sex all the time, and with different women, and at least a few other people need to know about it. If you can’t see any problems with all of this then you really are lost in your own arrogance. So here’s something else to think about; so long as you are trapped in this cycle you will never, ever have the chance to be with the most sensual, most radiant and most alive women. Why? Because they do not care for neediness one iota, and that includes the need to prove yourself.
A woman who truly knows herself and her own value will be steadfast enough not to compromise for anything less than a man who feels complete. She’ll be able to smell neediness from a mile away, and will dismiss any man who possesses it with the bat of an eyelid. Why is it that this type of woman tends to be the most radiant and alive and attractive? Because she’s totally in touch with herself and her fullness, hence she doesn’t have to compromise for a man who doesn’t feel the same about himself.
If you want to settle for a monotonous cycle of assisted masturbation with a variety of women who are not in touch with their fullness then by all means be a ladies man, and know that it’s a self created identity that binds you to nothing more than this. If however you’d like to welcome the possibility of meeting a woman who will truly add fuel to your fire and make your heart sing, then abandon any ideas of being a player. Instead, focus on being a real and authentic man, a man who knows his own wholeness. An authentic man needs not and wants not, he has nothing to prove, not to anyone else and not even to himself.
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Sebastian Callow is a personal dating coach for men in London. Unlike other dating services he provides a practical, real-life coaching experience that actually involves meeting and interacting with women in everyday situations. Sebastian helps men develop the comfort and ease to express themselves with raw honesty. If you're unhappy with your dating life and you're hungry for change, the Personal Coaching Course could be exactly what you need.
I think a lot of men get into pick up because they need some sort of validation with women. Many eventually get it after working with coaches. But a lot of guys remains stuck in a rut. I think they were afraid of controlling the true issue that causes their lack of success with women, and search for their “own” solutions instead.
I think many other “ladies men” are afraid of confronting other issues in their lives. Because they feel stuck in life, they seek control what they think that they can–their dating lives. I’ve always cringed at terms like “sex addiction” and “romance addiction”, because I feel that at the core there’s nothing wrong with dating multiple people. However, the more and more I look at it, the more I see that many guys use romance as a way of escaping their otherwise mediocre life (like other forms of addiction). These guys need help beyond just pick up coaches.
The predominant ideology promoted by the vast majority of companies in the dating industry is “to get laid as much and as many times as you can”. It’s part of our juvenile culture as a whole and this theme regularly features in films and advertising but it’s particularly prominent in the dating industry. It’s an ideology that’s taken on board by most men without question as the solution to the feeling of lack they experience in their lives. Is it any wonder that of those men who do succeed at developing their dating life they end up being somewhat addicted to sex and everything that goes with it? Not really!
However, I wouldn’t go so far as to say that they need help beyond anything other then looking within themselves honestly and earnestly. You state that there’s nothing wrong with dating multiple women and you’re right, there’s nothing criminal about it. However, as someone who has had both this experience and the experience of being in love with just one woman it’s absolutely clear which one is more satisfying. Dating multiple women is satisfying to the ego whilst being in love with just one woman is satisfying to the soul. There is no comparison. The former is the activity of a boy and the latter is the activity of a man. Anyone who is willing to be absolutely honest and humble with themselves will see this. It needs no further intervention.
Luckily there are a growing number of companies in the dating industry looking beyond the predominant ideology that sees multiple sexual relationships as what a man needs. They are not the mainstream companies but they are growing in number and size. Other than Authentic Man Within you’ll find a few links in the blogroll that point towards deeper solutions to what truly satisfies a man.
In terms of internet dating, I think one thing is financial.
It’s really expensive to date a girl. I have forked out $100s of dollars to date a lady, only for her to turn around and it to go sour. I think a lot of my chatting up different ladies on the internet is because I think ‘ oh if I really do date a girl for real, it’s going to cost a fortune’. So, I just chat to many different women. It is not the most statisfying feeling but it is better than being lonely all the time. I never promise them something I can’t deliver. In some ways, maybe this is the problem with a ladies man. He fears he cannot be a good provider. I certainly feel this way, in uncertain economic times.
If you find yourself spending a fortune to keep a woman happy you’re doing something wrong. Money is no basis for a solid relationship. Money is often used to supplicate a woman because a man knows he is lacking in what she really wants; attraction, connection and trust.