Being open to rejection, to pain, to making mistakes, to having your heart broken. To be absolutely open is to be absolutely vulnerable. To be absolutely vulnerable is to be absolutely strong.
Too often in society we have this the wrong way around. It is assumed that the more protected you are, the greater your strength. In fact nothing could be further from the truth. Only weaknesses need to be protected, whilst strength itself needs no armour.
The Incredible Hulk doesn’t need a tank or a gun, and nor does your innermost strength need any superficial means for defence. Employing some kind of superficial means of defence only serves as a demonstration of weakness.
Every time you don’t allow yourself to be open to rejection, or pain, or making mistakes, or having your heart broken, you are demonstrating weakness. And every time you do allow yourself to be open, you are revealing your inner strength.
Of course, this is easier said than done. The habits of conditioning are strong and built in well. There is a tendency to try and avoid rejection and heartbreak by not expressing your innermost feelings fully, and not being true to your deepest desires. But in reality this does not protect you, it is merely a trade-off. You trade off a sharper and more temporary pain for a subtler and longer lasting one.
Rejection and heartbreak is temporary but never having your needs met due to playing the protection game is not. It goes on and on and on, and all the while you remain deluded that you are protecting yourself. In reality you’re causing yourself a subtle level of pain, and whilst it may be subtle it is also consistent.
This simple recognition can serve as a catalyst for change, a change from operating out of a sense of protection to operating directly from your strength. What does this strength look like in practical terms?
Strength is expressing your ideas, likes and interests unreservedly.
Strength is telling a woman you think she’s beautiful for no other reason than because you feel like it.
Strength is showing your true emotions.
Strength is wrapping your arms around fear and dancing with it.
Strength is no longer hiding.
Not only is vulnerability the source of your strength, it is also the access point to freedom, the freedom to express yourself how you want, with whom you want and whenever you want. Vulnerability allows you to be fully who you really are, beyond all the protection games and hiding away.
Think about the top three most problematic issues you face in your dating life right now, and ask yourself whether or not these issues could be resolved by allowing yourself to be more vulnerable?
I’m willing to bet they can.
The fear of approaching a woman is solved by allowing yourself to be open to rejection.
Not knowing what to say in the early stages of an interaction is solved by allowing yourself to make mistakes and opening yourself up to learning through experience.
Not having good dress sense could be solved by being open enough to experiment with different clothes that stand out from the ordinary.
First recognise the power of vulnerability, and then learn to accept the fear that comes with allowing yourself to be vulnerable. If you can do this, for the most part, your dating life will begin to take care of itself. Problems will dissolve, barriers will be broken down, and more and more the power of your true self will emerge in all it’s glory.
“When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability… To be alive is to be vulnerable.” -Madeleine L’Engle
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Sebastian Callow is a personal dating coach for men in London. Unlike other dating services he provides a practical, real-life coaching experience that actually involves meeting and interacting with women in everyday situations. Sebastian helps men develop the comfort and ease to express themselves with raw honesty. If you're unhappy with your dating life and you're hungry for change, the Personal Coaching Course could be exactly what you need.