If you walk up to a woman and express your interest in her, you must create two distinct feelings in her to avoid being immediately rejected. These feelings are intrigue and comfort.
Creating intrigue is simple enough. The very act of approaching a woman and expressing your interest in her honestly, openly and directly is enough for her to be, at the very least, curious about you. However, if she doesn’t also feel comfortable in your presence, then the interaction won’t even get past the starting blocks.
Creating comfort is also simple enough, but it’s something that guys who aren’t used to approaching women fail to do time and time again.
It’s very common upon approaching a woman that you’re focused on the outcome rather than the process, and in doing so you become worried about the potential negative eventualities that could come to fruition. This fearfulness is entirely unnecessary since nothing too troublesome can actually happen. However, it manifests clearly in your non-verbal communication, and consequently the woman senses it, it causes discomfort in her, and she terminates the interaction.
Ultimately, this fearfulness tends to die down when you shift your focus away from thinking about the outcome and towards enjoying the presence of the woman you’re interacting with. The ability to shift your focus in this way comes with time and practice, and is something that guys often find difficult to do without a lot of experience.
For this reason, when you’re first getting in the habit of approaching women and expressing yourself, it’s often useful to be conscious of certain aspects of your non-verbal communication. Here are the three most critical factors that will create greater levels of relaxation in the women you approach:
Your facial expression
When a woman makes eye contact with you for the first time she immediately registers your facial expression. Due to nervousness, it’s not uncommon for you to have a very serious look on your face. Needless to say, if you’re a woman and a strange man approaches you with a very serious look on his face, you are immediately alarmed. The guard goes up and every effort is made to terminate the interaction as soon as possible.
A big smile has precisely the opposite effect. A smile is welcoming, relaxed and attractive. It’s the most disarming facial expression in the world. Upon seeing a smile a woman will remain relaxed and unguarded, she’ll be comfortable and receptive to whatever you have to say.
For this reason it’s critical to make sure you already have a smile on your face before eye contact is made. Just before you start speaking, be sure to be smiling. A natural smile is always best. If you can, try to generate a feeling of amusement in your body just before you make your approach and your smile will come across all the more natural and genuine.
If you can’t seem to do this, don’t worry, even a somewhat forced smile is a million miles better than a nervous or worried look. With practice, you’ll cultivate the ability to enjoy the approach more and more and you’ll find yourself naturally and genuinely smiling.
On approaching a woman your posture should be relaxed and non-defensive. What do I mean by non-defensive? I mean hands down by your sides, as opposed to above your waist and up by your shoulders. When you start talking and you have your arms way up above your waist it’s a very clear indicator that you’re worried.
This is actually a defensive fighting stance, having your arms up means you can easily deflect any punches that come your way. This is clearly totally inappropriate as your chances of being hit by a woman for simply approaching her are zero. It is however very common for someone who’s not accustomed to approaching a woman to adopt this kind of extremely defensive posturing.
When a woman sees that your arms are up in a defensive manner, she will in turn, feel very defensive herself, and do what she can to exit the conversation.
Conversely, when your arms are down by your sides it shows that you are relaxed, open and to a large extent unafraid. This means the woman isn’t forced to feel or act defensively herself. Instead, she can fully relax and be completely receptive to your words and actions.
Of course, you don’t have to stand around rigidly like a motionless robot always with your hands glued to your sides. By all means feel free to gesticulate, but keep your hand movements around or below waist level so that you’re not tempted into adopting a defensive posture that causes defensiveness in the woman you relate to.
Your pace of speech
All too often a guy starts a conversation at hyper speed, leaving no pauses or spacing between his words. This is a natural consequence of nervousness. However, not only does this make the words that you say very difficult to comprehend, it also directly communicates extreme discomfort on your part.
As with other aspects of non-verbal communication, the discomfort that is communicated through quick speech resonates with the woman and causes discomfort in her too. If she is able to get as far as understanding the fast paced words that you say, she will still, most likely, feel uncomfortable enough that she no longer wishes to continue the interaction.
Think about how you communicate around your friends, it’s much slower and more methodical with pauses that allow your message to be delivered with much greater effect. If you’re particularly nervous upon approaching a woman you might not communicate in exactly this way, but by being conscious of it you should be able to slow down to a reasonable pace.
By adopting a reasonable pace you’ll be able to instill a level of comfort in the woman that makes her open enough to hear what you have to say. When you’re still getting used to expressing yourself it’s definitely a good practice to pause and take a breath here and there. For instance:
“Hey, I know this is a little random but… (pause, take a breath) …You’re gorgeous! I had to come and meet you!”
This makes your communication much more clear and concise, and most importantly, more relaxed and comfortable.
So there you have it, three things well worth being conscious of when approaching a woman. These are very simple behaviours to take care of, and yet absolutely critical and so often forgotten about.
Approaching a woman in a powerful way isn’t about reinventing the wheel and coming up with the best one-liner ever, it’s about getting the fundamental non-verbal communications right. Without these, whatever words that you say will fall flat again and again.
Want to get your dating life handled?Sebastian Callow is a personal dating coach for men in London. Unlike other dating services he provides a practical, real-life coaching experience that actually involves meeting and interacting with women in everyday situations. Sebastian helps men develop the comfort and ease to express themselves with raw honesty. If you're unhappy with your dating life and you're hungry for change, the Personal Coaching Course could be exactly what you need.