Meditation is the practice of cultivating greater and greater levels of inner stillness, presence and equanimity. A basic meditation involves a process of allowing any thoughts and sensations to arise and pass away without engaging, resisting or attaching to them. Typically, this is done sitting alone in a relaxed environment and in silence. However, most teachers will tell you that ‘life itself is a meditation.’
Life can throw at you all kinds of circumstances that will disturb your stillness, presence and equanimity, and it is in these situations that you are most tested.
When someone tries to cut in front of you in the line for the checkout at the supermarket, can you take appropriate action to resolve the situation whilst remaining internally still and undisturbed? This is a meditative practice that is potentially more testing than meditating on your own, but by no means the most difficult situation you’ll have contend with.
One area in life that you’ll find particularly testing is the process of approaching a woman you’re attracted to and expressing honestly and authentically how you feel about her. It is particularly difficult due to all the ego-protection mechanisms that it stirs up, and because of this it presents a great opportunity as an advanced meditative practice.
Approaching a woman and expressing your interest in her openly and directly is a situation in which you lay yourself bare and put your ego on the line. Should you be rejected you’re self-image can take a big hit, and should you be accepted you can begin to indulge in delusions of grandeur.
But can you remain still and present no matter how a woman responds to you, and be equal to both rejection and success? The ability to do this comes from detaching yourself from the outcome of your action and instead focusing on the action itself.
“Let not the fruit of your action be your object.” -Bhagavad Gita
In a typical meditation you may focus upon the action of your breath, and allow any thoughts or sensations to come and go without attachment or resistance. If you are to approach a woman in a meditative way, you should focus on the action of expressing yourself and accept any thoughts or sensations to come and go in the same way.
In this state of acceptance you’ll find that you can better receive the way in which the woman responds to you, and flow with whatever course the interaction takes. She may respond favourably and she may respond unfavourably, but so long as you are focused on your actions and not attached to the outcomes of your actions you will remain internally still and present.
Focusing on the process in this way will help you develop a greater and greater ability to converse in powerful way, unaffected by waves of emotion and thought. Conversely, in the absence of focusing on the process, you’ll find yourself reacting in a knee-jerk manner that is both uncalibrated and directly communicates that you are internally disturbed.
You may ask, ‘But surely the ability to focus on the process comes from being internally still and present already? How then can I develop this ability when it is a function of what I’m trying to create?’
The truth is that internal stillness and the ability to focus on the process of an interaction, as opposed to the outcomes, have a mutually reciprocal causation. In other words, the more that you’re able to focus on the process, the greater your inner stillness will be. And equally, the greater your inner stillness, the more you’ll be able to focus on the process.
Therefore, inner stillness is as much a function of being focused on the process as vice versa. The question then becomes, ‘How can I begin to shift my attention from the outcome of my actions to the actions themselves?’
In my experience, the best way to do this is to shift your primary focus of attention away from the mind and towards the body, and express yourself as a function of feeling rather than a function of thinking. In this case your expression is coming from the ever-present ground of feeling, as opposed to the time-bound domain of thinking.
Almost all thinking is time based, either about the past or about the future. Check to see whether this is true for you?
In contrast, feeling only ever takes place NOW. Where else could it possibly take place? Anything that isn’t felt now is nothing more than a memory or an imagination of what could be. In other words, it’s just more thinking and not truly feeling.
When your primary focus is on feeling as opposed to thinking your communication is based in the present and you’re focused on the process rather than the outcome. Your communication is raw, authentic and felt. If you can stick with fully feeling the interaction in this way then you can be fully focused on the process rather than the outcome.
In order to do this your communication will have to be fully authentic. If you’re body is overwhelmed by your attraction to the woman than you’ll have no choice but to communicate this, and if you’re feeling nervous than you’ll have no choice but to communicate this too.
When this is the case your communication is no longer a means-to-an-end, and the women you interact with can sense this clearly. They no longer feel that you’re trying to get anything from them, and consequently they’re compelled to stay in your presence rather than feeling the need to leave.
As you practice in this way you’ll find your interactions develop more and more into natural and authentic conversations that have no end goal. The more you focus on the feeling of the interaction and the process of interacting, the less dependent you become on the outcome. And, the less dependent you become on the outcome, the more you become rooted in feeling the interaction fully and embracing the process of interacting.
The paradox of it all is that every outcome that you’re usually so focused on achieving, will likely come to fruition during the time when you’re no longer attached to achieving it.
Learn to meditate.
Learn to treat life as a meditation.
Learn to be in a state of meditation when you’re talking to a woman you desire.
Express yourself from a place of feeling rather than thinking.
Lose sight of the outcome and embrace the present moment.
More and more your authentic self will shine through.
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Sebastian Callow is a personal dating coach for men in London. Unlike other dating services he provides a practical, real-life coaching experience that actually involves meeting and interacting with women in everyday situations. Sebastian helps men develop the comfort and ease to express themselves with raw honesty. If you're unhappy with your dating life and you're hungry for change, the Personal Coaching Course could be exactly what you need.