There are a lot of questions I get asked about meeting women that are a good indication of an unhealthy attitude towards succeeding in the dating game. Right up there among the worst is this one:
“How many women do you have to approach in order to meet someone you can start dating?”
Sure, it sounds like a fair enough question, but it’s the mindset from which this question arises that indicates a big problem. The problem is that the questioner sees the act of approaching women as a chore to be completed, he thinks, ‘How many times do I have to complete this chore before I can get what I want.’
So long as you carry this mindset, in all probability, you’ll NEVER succeed!
The greatest football players in the world are as great as they are because they love to play football. The most incredible artists produce the most incredible art because they are absolutely passionate about creating. The best mothers raise the most well balanced children because there’s nothing they’d rather do than take care of their children.
You see the point!?
In order to succeed, first you must find enjoyment in what you do. Then, and only then, will you become successful. The following quote is one I use again and again and again when I’m working with a client because it really sums up what is required to achieve their goals:
“Success is not the key to happiness, happiness is the key to success. When you enjoy what you do, you will be successful.” -Herman Cain
The very act of approaching a woman you’re attracted to is something to be relished, not something to be resented. If it feels like a chore for you, you can be be sure it feels like a chore for her too.
Conversely, if you approach a woman and she can feel that you’re absolutely enjoying every aspect of the interaction, she’s likely going to feel pretty good about it herself. So, if you’re a guy who feels like approaching a woman is a chore, the question then becomes:
“How can I make this more enjoyable?”
There are a couple of different ways to do this.
First, shift your focus away from the outcome, and start to focus on your actions rather than the outcomes of your actions. Whenever you find yourself acting in accordance with your desires you’ll find that you are expressing yourself naturally, and whenever you find that you’re expressing yourself naturally there is always enjoyment to be found.
If you’re anything like anyone else, a lot of the time you find yourself saying things you don’t necessarily mean to keep people engaged or for fear of being perceived unfavourably. So it’s a great freedom to step out of this restricted pattern of communication and say exactly how you feel.
This highlights the importance of communicating authentically when approaching a woman. There is infinitely more enjoyment to be found in this type of communication, and therefore more success too. However, best you detach yourself fully from any ideas of success, and simply focus on the enjoyment of expressing yourself naturally and authentically.
One of my all time favourite ways to approach a woman is to just walk up and say something along the lines of:
“Hey, you’re gorgeous… I had to meet you.”
Now, there’s absolutely nothing special about this formulation of words. In fact, some might argue, and often do, that it’s a terrible way to approach a woman. However, the reason I like it is because it’s a pure expression of how I’m feeling, and consequently I take great joy in expressing it. The result is, more often than not, pretty damn favourable.
The second way to find enjoyment in your interactions is to shift your focus away from your own internal monologue of thoughts and insecurities, and outward towards appreciating the presence of the woman you’re interacting with.
Again, if you’re like most guys, you’ll probably find that when you approach a woman your head becomes clouded with thoughts like, ‘What should I say next?’ and ‘Was the last thing I sad okay?’ So long as you find yourself mulling over anxious thoughts like these in your head you can be certain that you’re not finding much enjoyment in the interaction, and neither is the woman.
In order to shift your focus outward, first you must learn not to entertain or engage the thoughts that arise in you. This will only stimulate more and more thinking. Instead, simply accept the thoughts as they come and they will be free to pass away. It sometimes helps to just pause and take a deep breath. From here, you can shift your focus outward onto the woman, and in particular onto what you appreciate about her.
An extra-curricular exercise I sometimes recommend with my clients is to spend 10 minutes writing down the qualities that they most love about about women, non-physical qualities that are characteristic of womankind, like softness, sweetness and sensuality. When you’ve spent a little time really figuring out what it is that you love about women, it’s easier to notice these things throughout the course of an interaction.
As you find yourself shifting your attention towards those things that you really appreciate about the women you interact with, a natural sense of enjoyment will descend upon the interaction. Your appreciation of her will begin to convey itself throughout all the non-verbal channels; through your eye contact, your smile, the tone of your voice and the warmth of your touch. If the mood strikes you, you can even express your appreciation in words.
Ultimately, the more that you can enjoy the interaction and lose sight of the outcome, the better. It may seem a little paradoxical to think that forgetting about the outcome is helpful, but paradox is so often the nature of life.
“The words of truth are always paradoxical.” -Lao Tzu
Understand that worrying about how many women you’ll have to approach to achieve success is treating the act of approaching as a chore, and treating it as a chore drains it of any enjoyment, aliveness and vitality. First, find enjoyment within the act itself, and then your approaches will be filled with the kind of aliveness that makes each interaction a pleasure for all involved, regardless of the outcome.
When the right time comes, you’ll meet the right woman. Any ‘failures’ you endure along the way will only be stepping stones along your path.
Want to get your dating life handled?
Sebastian Callow is a personal dating coach for men in London. Unlike other dating services he provides a practical, real-life coaching experience that actually involves meeting and interacting with women in everyday situations. Sebastian helps men develop the comfort and ease to express themselves with raw honesty. If you're unhappy with your dating life and you're hungry for change, the Personal Coaching Course could be exactly what you need.
so a man should just enjoy approaching women, enjoy being the initiator? reason why i ask this, is because for as long as i can remember, i’ve always been frustrated, had resentment towards the gender role that it’s always the mans job to start a conversation with a girl he likes, approach her and initiate the relationship, but at the same time, i’ve even heard some advice from elsewhere, from Elliot Hulse, he said that in life if you want to succeed, you will often times have to do things you hate
I’m not saying do what you hate. I’m saying learn to love it. And it’s really not that hard.
To take the lead and express your desire for women is in your make-up as a man, it’s perfectly natural to you. But it will only feel that way once you get out of your own way and stop making a sad story about gender roles and the difficulty of being a man. It’s a blessing to be a man. Embrace it!