Most guys searching for advice about how approach, attract and connect with women are looking for some kind of ‘method’ that will bring them absolute consistency in the way that women respond to them.
The problem is, if you’re adopting any kind of method in order to make yourself more appealing to the majority of women, you’re doing yourself a disservice.
Why?
Because being superficially appealing to everyone will not lead you any closer to meeting the kind of women you really want to meet. If anything, it’ll lead you down the path of spending time with women who aren’t the kind that you really gel with.
This is why you should be shamelessly inconsistent!
Rather than deploying tactics or techniques that will superficially appeal to the majority of women, why not try and put your authentic self on the line? In doing so, you’ll polarize opinion. Yes, this means that a much greater percentage of women will not like you right from the get-go. But it also means that a greater percentage of women will REALLY like you right off the bat.
Consequently, you’ll end up spending a whole lot more time with women who you really connect with, women who really appreciate the authentic you. And a lot less time with women who you initially appealed to, but ultimately lack the desired chemistry to connect with on a deeper level.
In my own personal experience I can say that I get rejected… a lot! But I also spend a lot more time with women that I’m really attracted to and I really connect with than the vast majority of guys. There’s nothing special about me, I just care less about rejection than I do about meeting women that I can REALLY connect with.
If you’re like most guys it’s your ego that prevents you from meeting the women you really want to meet. It’s more appealing to be superficially liked by a majority of women than it is to be disliked by a good percentage of the majority, even if this means you won’t meet women who you can really connect with deeply.
Pause for a minute and reflect on how absurd this is. Why do you care? Ultimately, the desire to be viewed favourably by all can only stand as an indication that you do not recognise your true self-worth. If you truly recognised your own intrinsic value there would be no need for to be viewed favourably by anyone else.
In order to truly be authentic and act authentically, first you must recognise your own intrinsic value. Only then will you have the freedom to act independently, without needing and wanting the approval of others.
An authentic man is the one who’s external expressions most closely match his internal state. When he’s attracted to a woman, he expresses this attraction. When something pisses him off, he shows it. He’s not afraid to express his own unique likes and dislikes, regardless of whether they conform to the likes and dislikes of others.
If a man is truly authentic he will NOT be liked by everybody, but those who do like him will really, genuinely like him a lot.
If you want to be consistently liked by women, by all means use as many tactics and techniques as you can. But if you want to spend time with women who you can really relax with and enjoy, authenticity and inconsistency is the way forward.
How do you know when you’re being authentic? Just ask yourself one simple question…
Are your outer expressions a direct representation of your internal state? Or are they a means-to-an-end?
If your expressions are a direct representation of your internal state, you can be sure that you’re being authentic. However, if you are communicating ‘for effect,’ then your communication has lost its authenticity in favour of attempting to appeal to your target audience.
If you feel internally that a woman is ‘absolutely gorgeous,’ and you express this verbally, with feeling, you’re being authentic. If however, you decide instead to express verbally that she ‘looks nice,’ because you feel that a less complimentary statement is less likely to put her on a pedestal and therefore more likely to create attraction, your communication has descended from authentic to tactical.
Now, it may well be the case that being tactical is, statistically speaking, more effective and more likely to create some kind of attraction in a majority of women who are used to being putting on a pedestal. However, being authentic will appeal to the kind of woman who can see clearly that your external expression matches your internal state, a woman who responds to authenticity and courage, a woman who has depth.
Do remember that expressing yourself authentically also means expressing yourself with confidence and conviction, without which your expressions will never be really and truly appreciated.
It’s up to you too choose how you really want to express yourself. If you want, you can be tactical and consistent and achieve a lot of superficial relationships. If however you’re looking for more depth and greater connection, lose your ego, be authentic and be shamelessly inconsistent.
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Sebastian Callow is a personal dating coach for men in London. Unlike other dating services he provides a practical, real-life coaching experience that actually involves meeting and interacting with women in everyday situations. Sebastian helps men develop the comfort and ease to express themselves with raw honesty. If you're unhappy with your dating life and you're hungry for change, the Personal Coaching Course could be exactly what you need.
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I totally get what you’re saying, but I’m afraid that’s only because of my abundant background in pickup. What you’re saying here is great, but it can be terribly misleading for guys who don’t have much experience meeting a lot of women already!
You obviously realize the value of keeping your ego in check, but if you tell a less enlightened boy about how he just needs to put his “authentic self” on the line without suggesting that he needs to work hard to change his ways, there’s a good chance he will reaffirm bad habits that will ultimately prove unattractive to just about any woman.
For example, if a guy grows up with a strong, uninhibited desire for immediate gratification while giving no regard toward delayed gratification, telling him to be more “authentic” and true to himself will only reinforce his ego and sense of entitlement.
I agree that it’s stupid to seek absolute consistency, but there’s definitely something to be said for practicing – with discipline – the “methods” you criticize. 🙂
Hey Chief, thanks for taking the time to leave a comment. I think we’ll have to agree to disagree that guys who haven’t much experience meeting women, or ‘less enlightened boys’ as you call them, will be misled.
A guy who has been unsuccessful so far in his dating life knows all too well that something has to change, the very fact he seeks out sites like this one is an indication of that. What he doesn’t need to hear is that he needs to be inauthentic in order to meet women, which is what most ‘methods’ promote.
He needs to hear that if he’s confident, decisive, purposeful and charismatic, authentic communication will help him achieve exactly what he’s looking for. And, importantly, he will develop more confidence, decisiveness, purposefulness and charisma by practising expressing externally exactly how he feels inside, and not shying away from that.
Granted, guys usually need a little coaching in how to best express themselves in a way that women can hear it, but that’s not what this post is about.