Several years ago, when I was trapped in a cycle of relentless sexual pursuit, I’d been out on a date with a really cute and sexy French girl.
The conversation was flowing, the attraction was at a peak and we’d developed the kind of connection needed to take things further.
I used my usual excuse to invite her back to my place, “Let’s head back to mine, chill out and watch a DVD, it’d be cool to spend a little more time together.”
She agreed to do so and gave me the standard line so as not to feel she was doing something morally wrong, “Okay, but nothing’s going to happen tonight.”
I appreciated the sentiment behind her words so of course I concurred, despite the fact that I fully expected something was going to happen.
When we got back I went through the motions of putting the DVD on and we watched it for a good five minutes before large chunks of the film were missed due to kissing and fondling preoccupying our attention.
It was, as it so often is on the first sexual encounter, a case of two steps forward and one step back. We kiss and caress each other and start to remove items of clothing until she pulls back, and as she pulls back I pull back too and resume watching the film.
This goes back and forth again and again until the only item of clothing that remains is her pants and we’ve done just about everything except have oral sex and full intercourse.
As is so often the case, keeping the pants on is the ‘final frontier’ of resistance before sex becomes so desirable that nothing else matters.
Usually, in my experience, this doesn’t go on for too long.
However, on this particular occasion it was back and forth for a long, long time. So long that I was becoming tired. In fact, my tiredness was beginning to supercede my sexual desire.
Couple this with the fact that I was at a time in my life where I was by no means starved of sex and you can begin to understand that I really could just take it or leave it.
After one last attempt to kiss, caress, stroke and undress, followed by yet more resistance, I gave her a gentle kiss on the cheek, rolled back over to my side of the bed and allowed my eyes to slowly close shut.
I realised that I was 100% content to just drift off to the land of nod whether I had been sexually gratified or not.
However, just as I began to sink gently into sleep I was mounted by a sexually charged and fully naked French lioness, ready to devour me for her evening meal.
The ‘final frontier’ of resistance had fallen and what ensued was nothing less than wild passion and sexual adventure.
The following morning she turned to me and asked me a very serious question, “If I hadn’t pounced on you, you would have just fallen asleep wouldn’t you?”
My answer could only be an honest, “Yes,” to which she replied, “I knew it, that’s what made it okay to have sex.”
And so happily ends this little tale, the moral of the story being that when one has no fixed agenda, no attachment to a particular outcome, much more easily do one’s desires become fulfilled.
This applies through all aspects of relating to women; from the approach, to getting her phone number, to dating, to sex, and even to relationships.
The more you ‘need’ the outcome, the less likely you are to get it.
The less you ‘need’ it, the more easily it comes to fruition.
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Sebastian Callow is a personal dating coach for men in London. Unlike other dating services he provides a practical, real-life coaching experience that actually involves meeting and interacting with women in everyday situations. Sebastian helps men develop the comfort and ease to express themselves with raw honesty. If you're unhappy with your dating life and you're hungry for change, the Personal Coaching Course could be exactly what you need.
That was really helpful. Thanks Sebastian.
Glad you enjoyed it 🙂
Good stuff as always Mr Callow!
Another great post, and inspiring story!
Zan Perrion said something that I think fits in perfectly with this little tale and the morale:
“Be open to all outcomes but attached to none”.
You wanted her and you desired her but you didn’t NEED her!
I enjoy your blog, keep up the good work!
– Andreas
Thanks Mike.
Yep, that pretty much sums it up Andreas.
Hey Sebastien, can you say anything about ‘looking like you aren’t needy’ vs ‘actually not being needy’? Thank you.
Hey Hubert, sorry about the delayed reply. Essentially there is no such thing as ‘looking like you’re not needy’ if indeed you are. In this case your non-verbal communication will betray you no matter how hard you try to cover it up. If you put a lot of effort into covering up your neediness it may go unnoticed by a womans conscious perception but it will not evade her subconscious perception, she will get a feeling about you that she may not fully understand but it will cause any attraction to rapidly fade.
Neediness slowly but surely disappears with experience. The answer, as is so often the case, is to practice, practice, practice. The more you interact with women, the less you will be attached to attaining any particular outcome.
Good post! I have noticed this when I am talking to women. When I am not trying to “get women” I have a lot better conversations. But when I do daygame they can notice I want something from them, and I feel like I am a salesman trying to persuade them into buying something. However, if I don’t do anything actively to seduce a woman, nothing happens (at least that’s the way it is for me). So how do I keep this non-goal oriented attitude at the same time as I am clear with my intent, flirting and moving things forward?