If you tell yourself that you are a courageous, honest and open man who is understanding and appreciative of others, does that make it so?
We have many thoughts about ourselves that are inevitably coloured by the bias of wanting to see ourselves in a favourable light. We want to see ourselves as courageous, honest and open, understanding and appreciative, and so our assessment is far from objective.
Mostly, we overestimate ourselves on every positive trait and underestimate ourselves on every negative trait. Though, this trend can be reversed for many who have created, and identified with, a negative self-image. Either way we miss the mark.
So, how does one make a fair assessment of oneself?
The truth is to be found in one’s actions. The old expression, ‘actions speak louder than words’ rings true. And, I’d add to that… actions speak louder than thoughts.
If you consider yourself to be courageous but you fail to take actions aligned with your deepest values because you find that you are in the grip of fear, you have deceived yourself.
If you like to see yourself as honest and open but you have the pattern of creating barriers and avoiding truths with those who try to get to know you, you’re kidding yourself.
If you think of yourself as being understanding and appreciative of others but you rarely take the time to get to know anyone, much less appreciate them, you’ve lost touch with reality.
To a great extent this is obvious, but we must be meditative and self-reflective to ascertain how far our assumptions have fallen from the tree. It’s not easy to stare yourself in the face with brutal honesty, but it helps.
Once we recognise that our actions are the clearest indication of our character we can begin to adapt those actions, and by virtue of that we can begin to adapt our character.
Of course, it may work from the inside-out in most cases, e.g., if you feel internally courageous your actions will mirror that. But, it can also work from the outside-in, since our feelings and actions are part of a mutually interdependent feedback loop.
The more that you embrace your fear and step into it, rather than turning away from it, the more that your internal sense of courage grows.
The more that you move yourself in the direction of being honest and open in circumstances that you may find it difficult to do so, the more that you tune into the frequency of honesty and openness in you that was previously dormant.
The more that you persevere in understanding and appreciating others, the more that you awaken that part inside you that is in tune with understanding, empathy and appreciation.
On a more practical level, when it comes to our dating lives, we can apply these two steps of, first, being self-aware about our actions and what they tell us, and second, adapting our actions to come into alignment with being a man who can powerfully and positively relate to women.
It’s no secret that a man who can powerfully and positively relate to women is courageous, honest and up front, decisive and purposeful.
In being meditative and self-reflective about your actions and the place from which they arise, you can come to understand whether you are acting in alignment with your masculine core, or whether you have fallen from the grace of masculinity.
One of the most classic and obvious examples of a misalignment with one’s masculine core, that I see when coaching men, is the disingenuous ‘safe’ compliment that avoids being courageous, honest, up front, and purposeful. For instance, a guy strikes up a conversation with a woman under the pretence that he thinks her handbag is amazing.
Yep, you read correctly, straight guys actually compliment women on their handbags out of fear!
Needless-to-say, no heterosexual man in the history of the world has ever been so captivated by a woman’s handbag that he wanted to strike up a conversation about it. Rather, it is a means of pretending he’s not sexually/romantically interested in her when of course he is, because he is fearful and therefore not up to being purposeful and honest.
Aside from the fact that women will see through this 100% of the time, one must consider what message one is sending to oneself when taking such an action.
That message would of course be, ‘I don’t have the balls to speak the truth, or the courage to move through the world with unashamed purpose and direction.’
Once this is recognised through the process of being self-aware, we can then move forward and adapt our actions and in turn our feelings. Through the process of forcing oneself to be more ‘ballsy’, forcing oneself to be more courageous and unashamedly purposeful and direct, we begin to send ourselves a different message.
That message being, ‘I am so comfortable with myself and my sexuality that I am unafraid to express myself in a manner that is honest and up front.’
In sending this message to ourselves through the means of adapting our actions, our internal sense of self begins to shift too, and the feeling we have about ourselves begins to move back toward one of uninhibited masculinity. And God knows, uninhibited masculinity is where it’s at in terms of attracting women!
Allow your actions to teach you about yourself. Be conscious and aware and learn your lessons. And once you’ve educated yourself, adapt your actions and change yourself for the better.
Find your way home to greater and greater levels of authenticity, higher and higher levels of self-esteem, and the naturalness of embracing your masculine core.
Want to get your dating life handled?Sebastian Callow is a personal dating coach for men in London. Unlike other dating services he provides a practical, real-life coaching experience that actually involves meeting and interacting with women in everyday situations. Sebastian helps men develop the comfort and ease to express themselves with raw honesty. If you're unhappy with your dating life and you're hungry for change, the Personal Coaching Course could be exactly what you need.