The world of men’s self-improvement is booming. In particular, dating advice and dating coaching for men is huge right now. But why so? Why are men struggling so badly to connect with women? And why has the world of ‘menprovement’ failed to facilitate a significant change for the better?
The problem arises from the fact men are operating from what my esteemed colleague John Cooper would call, the ‘acquisition mindset’. The acquisition mindset being the frame of mind that, ‘I need to do this to GET that’. And sadly, much of the advice in the world of men’s self-improvement willingly co-operates with and even reinforces this mindset (I’m referring to the world of PUA’s in particular here).
What’s wrong with the acquisition mindset?
Well, essentially it’s the mindset of a taker, someone who wants to get without giving anything back. The same mindset that was employed by the bankers who collapsed the economy, the same mindset employed by the governments who waged war in order to acquire oil, the same mindset employed dodgy insurance salesmen. Acquire at all costs!
The trouble is, women are a little too savvy to be acquired. They can smell a taker a mile away!
On the odd occasion a woman does have the wool pulled over here eyes, it does nothing for anyone. She becomes hurt a little and learns to be more cautious with her openness and femininity, and the perpetrator is unsatisfied and needs to acquire another hit because he is operating from a place of complete emptiness.
Just like no amount of money will ever satiate the greedy banker, no number of sexual exploits will ever satisfy a man who is seeking to be filled up, because no external circumstances can ever fill up an individual who is empty on the inside.
When we, as men, operate from a foundation of low self-esteem and we seek fulfilment in external circumstances, we create chaos! Chaos for others and chaos for ourselves.
The first thing we need to do is to recognise clearly that no amount of money, sex, validation or power will ever make us feel sustainably happy, worthy or content. It’s just not possible! The external cannot fill an internal void. Ever!
Don’t take my word for it, simply ask yourself, “Has any one sexual exploit EVER brought you lasting fulfilment, lasting happiness or lasting joy?’
Once we recognise that short-lived external circumstances cannot achieve lasting fulfilment, we can detach ourselves from the ‘acquisition mindset’, we can stop running around in circles and wreaking havoc on our travels.
How do you know if you’re operating from an acquisition mindset when it comes to women? Any of the following are a dead giveaway…
-You only ever flirt with women you find attractive. Flirting shouldn’t be a means-to-an-end, it should be a pure expression of two people enjoying each others company.
-You’re obsessed with tactics and techniques and strategies when it comes to meeting women. Tactics, techniques and strategies are typically a means of acquiring a fixed result.
-You consider yourself (or aspire to be) a ladies man, but you have no interest in being a people-person. If you don’t enjoy people than you don’t enjoy women, you just want to acquire their validation.
-You get pissed off when you have a great conversation with a woman and later on she tells you she has a boyfriend. When a great conversation is a loss and only a phone number is a win, you’re a taker!
-You feel like a woman owes you something if you give her a compliment. In this case your compliment is not a gift or an offering, rather, it is a means of taking.
If you notice any of these tendencies in yourself than you’re operating from the mindset of acquisition. This is a road to nowhere! You can travel as far down that path as you want but you won’t find any sunshine at the end of it. It will simply go on and on and on. Forever!
Fulfilment is not to be found outwardly, it is to be found by looking inwardly, by cultivating a healthy sense of self-esteem. When you operate from a place of fulness within there is no need to try to acquire on the outside, there is no need to chase fulfilment because you already have it.
And when you feel full women will naturally gravitate towards you. They will feel your fulness too, they will sense it, they will smell it, and they’ll show up to bask in that fulness, to bask in the presence of a man who is capable of offering himself unconditionally.
It will be more simple than you could possibly imagine. All the effort and stress of deploying tactics and techniques will dissolve in the face of your effortless authenticity.
How do you achieve a healthy sense of self-esteem and internal fulfilment?
In short, through becoming consciously aware of yourself, learning to accept your flaws, taking responsibility for your happiness, embracing your assertiveness, aligning with your deepest purpose, and living with integrity. None of which can be achieved by acquiring a woman’s validation! (For an awesome exercise to develop self-esteem get our free video series and stay tuned till the last video)
Learning to love yourself seems to be a steeper and tougher road to travel down than the path of acquisition, fraught with trials and tribulations that might be otherwise avoided, but unlike the path of acquisition there is a beautiful sunrise waiting for you at the end of the road.
That sunrise is the dawn of a new you. The you, you were born to be. The strongest version of yourself.
And just like that sunrise, the shining presence of the new you will bestow happiness and joy on all who are lucky enough to be graced by it.
Don’t be deceived by the promise of fulfilment that the path of acquisition supposes to deliver. This is fools gold. Your true wealth lies within, and whilst there might be a little time, effort and struggle involved in unlocking that treasure chest, it’s more than worth it!
Want to get your dating life handled?Sebastian Callow is a personal dating coach for men in London. Unlike other dating services he provides a practical, real-life coaching experience that actually involves meeting and interacting with women in everyday situations. Sebastian helps men develop the comfort and ease to express themselves with raw honesty. If you're unhappy with your dating life and you're hungry for change, the Personal Coaching Course could be exactly what you need.
Dang! That’s pretty deep! I’m operating from a mindset of acquisition currently. Thank you for helping me realize this!
Thanks for commenting Slim. Great that you have the awareness and humility to recognise it and admit it to yourself. That’s the first and most significant step in the right direction.
You are absolutely right. What I have found working for me when it comes to self confidence is doing stand up comedy. It’s a good way of getting to know yourself: Your fears and strengths, insecurities, interacting with people.
Thanks for the input Tom. Good advice.
This is great, wow. You’re definitely vibrating on a higher frequency.