Are you good enough?
How do you know?
If you don’t know, what does that mean for you and how does it affect you?
Most men lack an internal sense of self-esteem, a sense of being happy and content with who they are and what they are capable of. In the rare case that this is present there is no question of not being good enough for others. Being good enough is self-evident and needs no confirmation, and as a natural consequence of this sense of assuredness others feel it too.
Most men don’t have this, and so they are searching for ‘proof’, searching for some kind of external feedback that proves they are good enough. This manifests in a level of neediness and fragility that is catastrophic. They need women to like them, as that would be ‘proof’, and when they aren’t liked they are crushed, since that seems to be ‘proof’ of the opposite.
The truth is, searching for external feedback that you are good enough for women is a road to nowhere, a vicious circle of desperately clambering for approval and a feeling of deep sadness when that approval is rejected due to the stench of desperation.
We, as men, must return from the external search for ‘proof’ of our worthiness and instead turn inwards and learn to cultivate an internal sense of self-esteem.
But, how do you do that?
Here is an email sent to me recently, and my response, that might help to shed some light on the subject:
Hello Sebastian,
I know that you are busy but if you can answer my short question, I would be so glad 🙂
When the girls give me bad or uninterested reactions on the street or cafe etc., I start to think that I’m not good enough for her. How can I understand that I’m good enough or not good enough? Can you tell me the things/indicators that can prove that I’m good enough for the girls?
Kind regards,
C
Hey C,
Sorry for the delay. Being good enough or not good enough for girls is a very subjective thing. Some women may perceive you to be good enough for them and others not. But, they don’t really know you, it’s just an opinion based on very little understanding. Only you really know you. So, rather than asking, ‘Am I good enough for the girls?’, why not ask, ‘Am I good enough for myself?’
In other words, are you the person you want to be? Are your actions aligned with your deepest values? Do you have a purpose that fills you with joy and excitement? Are you offering your best talents, gifts and abilities to the world?
If the answer to all of these questions is ‘yes’ then you will undoubtedly feel ‘good enough’ within yourself. And when you feel good enough within yourself it will shine through in your interactions, and as a natural consequence women will perceive you to be ‘good enough’ for them a lot more of the time. When they don’t it won’t really matter to you anyway.
If the answer to these questions is ‘no’ that’s okay too. Accept whatever your circumstances are and understand that you arrived in this situation due to whatever experiences life has presented you with until now. However, also understand that it’s up to you to adapt from here on. Start to look within and discover what your deepest values are, and begin to live more and more in alignment with them. Find a life purpose that you find fulfilling. Begin to offer the best of yourself to everyone you can, through your relationships and through your work. Very soon you will come to understand, you are most definitely ‘good enough’.
I hope these words are of value.
Best,
Seb
You see, when you are the person you want to be, you’ll know that you’re good enough. And this comes in no small part by achieving the following:
- Aligning your actions with your deepest values – When your actions in the world are aligned with your deepest values you are doing exactly what you are meant to be doing, you are doing exactly what your heart desires. This is a huge act of self-love and one that cannot help but cultivate a feeling of self-worth (for more on this sign-up to our mailing list, the bonus video in the free video series will help you discover and align with your deepest values).
- Finding a life purpose that fulfils you – When you are on your purpose, doing work or expressing a passion that fulfils you, you begin to feel more and more worthy. You feel intrinsically valuable because you know that you are contributing something significant to the world, and you know that the very challenge of following your purpose is causing you to grow into being more.
- Offering the best of yourself – When you offer the best of yourself to everyone, through your work/passion and your relationships, you feel fulfilled. You know for sure that none of your gifts, however big or small, are left ungiven. Giving the best of yourself, on every level, provides you with a sense of inner contentment and intrinsic value.
None of these things have anything to do with anyone else’s opinion of you, nor do they have anything to do with the way others respond to you on any given occasion. They are intrinsic, they are an internal recognition of your own self-worth that comes from living in a way that shows you that you love yourself.
You may not currently be living in a way that shows you that you love yourself, but that matters not. What matters is that you choose to do so moving forward, and that you take heart from this and draw an internal sense of strength from doing so.
Ultimately, it is simply a choice, or at least that’s how it begins. You must choose to love yourself, and choose to allow your actions to prove this to yourself by doing the things that will fulfil you on the deepest levels. This is the beginning of a journey towards greater and greater levels of self-worth and self-esteem.
The greater your level of self-esteem, the more that others will hold you in high esteem too. They will see and feel how much you appreciate yourself, and they will begin to see you the same way and hold you in high regard. Women will see you as attractive and desirable, and more than just ‘good enough’.
Your treasure, your sense of self-worth, lies within.
Reclaim it!
Want to get your dating life handled?
Sebastian Callow is a personal dating coach for men in London. Unlike other dating services he provides a practical, real-life coaching experience that actually involves meeting and interacting with women in everyday situations. Sebastian helps men develop the comfort and ease to express themselves with raw honesty. If you're unhappy with your dating life and you're hungry for change, the Personal Coaching Course could be exactly what you need.
Good article again, thank you.
I struggle with expressing my emotions, like many men I suppose. I always have to think a lot before giving a compliment. It’s hard for me in the moment to say things like “I really like spending time with you”, compliments that are not about the physical. I dated a girl I met online earlier this year. We had a great first night, but when I met her later I froze up and didn’t know how to act and what to say, when to touch her, how to touch her when we where meeting, how to act when her friends were around. I think I might come across as a bit cold. Any suggestion how to work with this?
Tom, try your best to stay in your body rather than your mind, and communicate from there. It’s always a struggle to express your emotions when you’re trapped in your mind, so easy to get lost in mind-stuff and become stifled. It causes all kinds of problems, including being confused about what to say and what to do and how to act.
Spontaneous and right action comes from connecting to the body and acting/communicating from there. Stay with the breath. Stay with the chest. Stay with the belly. Stay with feeling. Allow your actions and communication to flow spontaneously from there.
“I always need to think a lot before giving a compliment.”
No, no you don’t! You don’t need to think at all. Stay with feeling, stay with the feeling that, “I really like spending time with you,” and breath deeply into that feeling. Feel it so fully that it has no choice but to be expressed, spontaneously, without any thought whatsoever.
No one will see you as cold when you express yourself from this place. Quite the contrary. They’ll feel your warmth.
Cheers to you for spreading this information, Sebastian.
Similar to you, I began my journey of personal development in the dating world and later learned to apply it to my other areas of my life. I believe the ideas such as self-esteem/self-love you discuss will help a lot of men out there.
Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Andrew, much appreciated.
Thanks Andrew