The short answer to the question ‘does fear ever go away?’ is ‘no!’ It never really goes away, at least not in any permanent way.
Fear may go away for a while. You may have a few experiences in the absence of fear. You may even believe that you have transcended fear and that you are now free from it’s presence.
And then, right on cue, it will come back and slap you in the face unexpectedly.
Guys who want to succeed in the field of dating desperately hope that one day they will be absolutely absent of fear, and that somehow there is some path to get there.
They think if they could just get the right series of experiences that they would transcend it, and so they set about embarking on a journey of acquiring those experiences. What they don’t realise is that this mission is doomed to failure.
It doomed to failure for two reasons.
First, because fear serves an important function in awakening the senses and preparing us to be at our best, if we let it. And since it serves a necessary function it will never disappear, just as the mechanism that causes us to sweat and regulate our body heat will not go away just because we want it to.
Second, the very idea that we want fear to disappear represents resistance. It signals the resistance to the presence of fear, the desire to be absent of it. And anything that is resisted is amplified. As the modern-day sage Eckhart Tolle says:
“Whatever you fight, you strengthen, and what you resist, persists.”
What this means is, by setting the goal of being absent of fear we become imprisoned by so much fear that it no longer serves it’s purpose. Rather than awakening our senses and preparing us to be at our best, we become frozen, we are paralysed by the greatness of our fear because we have strengthened it with our resistance.
Now imagine adopting the opposite policy, rather than resisting fear you accept and even embrace it!
When this mindset is adopted you are no longer the victim of fear. Instead, fear is your humble servant. It awakens your senses and prepares you to ‘be ready’ when necessary, but it never overwhelms you.
In some cases you might not feel it at all. This doesn’t mean you are totally free from the presence of fear forever, it just means it wasn’t required on this occasion.
Perhaps you were already alive enough, or you recognised that there’s nothing to be afraid of, so it didn’t come up. That doesn’t mean it won’t come back again, even in a similar situation. It just means it wasn’t there this time.
And if it does come back again another time, that’s absolutely fine. So long as it is accepted and embraced it will continue to serve it’s function, it will continue to support you, to enliven you when you need enlivening.
Should you be enlivened when you strike up a conversation with a beautiful woman? Absolutely!
You see, the problem is not fear. The problem is the resistance of fear. This is what transforms fear from your humble servant into your tormenting master.
So, what does it mean to be fearless? Is this even possible?
Well, according to the conventional definition, no!
According to the dictionary, being fearless means:
“Without fear; bold or brave; intrepid.”
This can only be true temporarily. But to attain the kind of universal fearlessness that most men aspire to in their dating lives simply isn’t possible.
No one is ‘without fear’ 100% of the time!
We, as men, are required to lean into the edge of our fears and insecurities time and again. This is what inspires our growth and leads us powerfully in the direction of our hearts deepest desires.
What you can achieve is not to be absent of fear entirely, but rather to be free from the resistance to fear. And when this is the case you are actually free from all of the negative manifestations that fear causes when it has been strengthened by your resistance.
You are free from inaction.
You are free from being stifled.
You are free from being lost in your mind.
You are free from being the victim of this tormenting master.
You are free from running in the opposite direction to all that you desire.
You are, quite simply, free!
I’ve said it many times before and I’ll say it many times again:
The problem is not fear. The problem is your resistance to fear!
Understand and address this simple problem, make a simple shift in your perception, and EVERYTHING changes for the better.
Want to get your dating life handled?
Sebastian Callow is a personal dating coach for men in London. Unlike other dating services he provides a practical, real-life coaching experience that actually involves meeting and interacting with women in everyday situations. Sebastian helps men develop the comfort and ease to express themselves with raw honesty. If you're unhappy with your dating life and you're hungry for change, the Personal Coaching Course could be exactly what you need.