As a dating coach in London, I’m presented with questions about the term ‘alpha male’ on a regular basis, most guys feeling that this is something they aspire to and must become.
An ‘alpha male’ is defined as:
“A male animal having the highest rank in a dominance hierarchy.”
The term is typically used in reference to non-human apes and monkeys, where the ape/monkey who is most dominant and able to control others through force will gain favour among the females in terms of mate selection.
It is naively assumed that there is some kind of correlation in humans.
Hence, the term ‘alpha male’ is used in the world of dating/seduction/pick-up in a manner that confuses young men into believing they have to be over-the-top characters that stand with their feet 2 meters apart at all times, and try to be what they imagine to be ‘dominant’.
The reality of the situation is that modern human beings, unlike our ape ancestors, do not live in small packs where there is a dominance hierarchy.
Rather, we live within a myriad of different groups with which we socialise. We maintain a huge number of social circles from our work lives, to our social lives, to our hobbies. In none of these groups do we gain favour by using force or control.
In humans some men are looked upon with more favour and given more authority and even seen to be more attractive than others, but this certainly doesn’t happen through the attempt to dominate.
Brute force and attempts to dominate among humans only serve to show an individuals inferiority, to show that he doesn’t trust himself – and so he cannot be trusted by others. It is abundantly clear that when a man attempts to exert his authority over another unprovoked, he is operating from a place of insecurity.
A man who is comfortable within himself knows he does not need to dominate.
In fact, quite the contrary, through being centred within himself he is happy to praise others, to support, to nurture, to create cohesion between himself and others rather than creating separation by putting others down.
Because of his self-trust he shows courage, including the capacity to be open and vulnerable.
He shows direction, tempered by the humility to adapt to events/circumstances/people.
He shows purpose, a total alignment between his thoughts/feelings and his actions in the world.
And he shows charisma, aided by the freedom from attachment to force or control.
The consequence of being so centred and comfortable in his own skin is that he can govern a situation or event without any need to dominate. And so his ‘status’ within whatever group or social circle he may be occupying is raised by those around him. He comes to be seen in the eyes of those around him as trustworthy, respectable, attractive, and worth listening to.
He becomes an authority, not an authority over others, but an authority in his own right.
He has power and control, not by taking rule over other people, but by taking rule of himself.
He is lauded by those around him, raised up and celebrated – not through dominance, but through centredness.
Forget trying to control other people. Forget trying to dominate. Forget being an ‘alpha male’.
Find your centre. Take control of yourself. Reclaim your true power.
“Knowing others is intelligence;
knowing yourself is true wisdom.
Mastering others is strength;
mastering yourself is true power.” -Lao Tzu
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Sebastian Callow is a personal dating coach for men in London. Unlike other dating services he provides a practical, real-life coaching experience that actually involves meeting and interacting with women in everyday situations. Sebastian helps men develop the comfort and ease to express themselves with raw honesty. If you're unhappy with your dating life and you're hungry for change, the Personal Coaching Course could be exactly what you need.
Hi!
I wonder how I can get out of the bad circle of only having women I am not really into attracted to me? I meet girls through tinder, often really nice girls I talk well with, but at the end of the day I don’t really want to sleep with them. I know men are supposed to be super horny always, but I am quite picky. Is this because I can’t communicate well with girls I really like, because of internet dating or simply because I’m not attractive enough myself? I wonder. Any thoughts on this?
(Thanks for your previous answer)
If you can connect well with women in general then you can also connect well with women you’re attracted to. If this is not the case it’s likely you are acting differently as a result of putting too much pressure on the interaction. Women are women, it isn’t that they act hugely differently based on their looks (this can be the case but generally not so), it’s that you act differently in situations with women you’re attracted to.
Connect with the women you’re attracted to in the same fashion you would with other women, without placing too much emphasis on any particular outcome. You’ll find that they like you the same as other women do too.