If you’re familiar with the world of men’s self-development or even spirituality, you’ve probably found yourself learning about concepts like being unattached, outcome independent and unreactive.
Like all concepts they are but a poor translation of what they hope to illustrate. More-often-than-not these concepts are misinterpreted to fit in with the fearful perspective of the one that hears of them.
The idea of being unattached has been around since around 200-400 BC when the Bhagavad Gita is believed to have been written.
“Without being attached to the fruits of activities, one should act as a matter of duty, for by working without attachment one attains the Supreme.” -Bhagavad Gita
Whilst it should be clear from reading such a passage that what is spoken of is a sense of being fully engaged in what one is doing without fixing oneself to a particular result, what is often interpreted is to act in a way that is detached and careless.
This manifests in a sense of aloofness which is acted out, invariably by men, pretending to be what they envisage to be ‘spiritual’. And ironically, they are indeed attached to the result of this act – attached to being seen in a certain ‘spiritual’ light!
When it comes to dating and men’s development, more commonly the words that are used are outcome independent and unreactive.
The term outcome independent seems to be perfectly self-explanatory – to be independent of the outcome of one’s actions, to be autonomous. And yet, this too is misread.
Men, in recognising that they are supposed to be free and independent from outcomes, attempt to foster an attitude of ‘I don’t care’, or, among those with a little more superficial machismo, ‘I don’t give a fuck!’
What they miss is that being outcome independent is just that – a way of being. It is not a pretence or an attitude to be acted out. Moreover, being outcome independent doesn’t imply one is careless. Quite the contrary, one may care a great deal but also be at peace with whatever results transpire.
The phrase unreactive is even more confusing as it seems prescriptive of the way one should act.
This terminology is attempting to point one in the direction of centredness, whereby one is not adversely affected or induced into an unbalanced emotional response by the actions of another. However, what is often interpreted by this is a manner of acting that is aloof and uninvolved, in the hope of appearing more attractive
In truth, one may be completely involved and animated and emotional without losing one’s centre or resulting in an unbalanced emotional state. Notably, this way of being that is fully engaged, responsive and has the aliveness of emotion but remains centred, is vastly more attractive than a stale, dead and aloof kind of behaviour.
The confusion around all of these terms, phrases and ideas has arisen in no small part because it feeds into many men’s fears. Men are afraid of being fully engaged, of showing more of themselves, of being more expressive and emotionally revealing.
And so, these concepts are reinterpreted to coincide with their fears, to coincide with being more aloof and hiding away.
Hiding away behind an act of being aloof and unaffected, whilst internally one may be in turmoil, is sadly just another form of repression. And as such, it is moving men in precisely the wrong direction.
When men need is not repression, but expression.
Men need to be so at peace with themselves, so in touch with their emotions and so comfortable with who they are, that they’re unafraid to express it, all of it, even their vulnerabilities. This is true centeredness, truly being unattached, true outcome independence and truly being unreactive.
When you find this kind of deep connection within yourself, you have found your centre; you are okay with whatever transpires, and on the deepest level you are unmoved by external circumstances.
At this point you no longer need to hide or play the game of being aloof.
Instead you can thrust into life fully.
You can go balls deep, giving all of yourself to your interactions, to your relationships, to your passion and your purpose, in all your glorious, naked vulnerability.
You’re free to appear as animated, emotional or attached as you like on the surface. But deep down, you rest in the unmoved, unshaken, unattached state that is ever-present when you’re at peace with who you are.
If you’d like to move more in this direction, simply catch yourself when you feel the impulse to pull away from situations, events, interactions, circumstances or relationships. When you feel this impulse, this pull to step back, to be aloof, to hide… do the opposite!
Step forward.
Reveal more, give more, show more, offer more, commit more, risk more.
Slowly but surely, step forward.
Time and time again.
More and more each time.
The more that you lean forward rather than pulling back, the more that you send yourself the powerful message that is implicit in these actions…
“I trust myself. I’m at peace with who I am.”
It is this sentiment that is the foundation of your centredness, your being unattached, your being outcome independent, and your being unreactive.
It is the foundation of your capacity to go balls deep, and fuck life fully, giving all of your unique contributions to the world and everyone, everywhere you go, leaving nothing left undone.
Stop being so aloof and stand-off-ish and go balls deep my friends.
Balls… fucking… deep!
Want to get your dating life handled?
Sebastian Callow is a personal dating coach for men in London. Unlike other dating services he provides a practical, real-life coaching experience that actually involves meeting and interacting with women in everyday situations. Sebastian helps men develop the comfort and ease to express themselves with raw honesty. If you're unhappy with your dating life and you're hungry for change, the Personal Coaching Course could be exactly what you need.