SEX IS NOT THE GOAL!
The men’s dating and self-improvement community is very confused. It’s focus is skewed towards sex, the ability to acquire sex, being a ‘sex-worthy’ man, letting your authentic self out so you can have more sex… Put it any way you want it, it’s all about sex!
Even the guys who are a little leftfield, who are offering something different from the tired, old pick-up dogma, are still ultimately moving toward the same end goal. All roads lead toward sex.
Let me be clear about this, there’s nothing wrong with sex. In fact, there’s a lot of things right with it. As humans we are fundamentally sexual beings and without the ability to express ourselves sexually, inclusive of having sex, we are limited and restricted.
But… What if there was something way more important than sex. What if by making sex the end goal we miss out on what will really fulfil us.
I mean, let’s boil it all down to something extreme, let’s take the example of the fastest, most direct technique for acquiring sex – visiting a prostitute!
Ask yourself, ‘Is this fulfilling?’
I’d be very surprised if your answer was ‘yes’. You may or may not have done this in the past but either way you know deep down that it won’t really fulfil you (barring some kind of Hollywood-esque ‘Pretty Woman’ scenario).
Now ask yourself, ‘What’s missing?’
The answer is very obvious when you really think about it. What’s missing is CONNECTION! (I hear there’s not a whole lot of that floating around at the whore houses these days)
Now, I know it seems a lot cooler to talk about sex and getting laid and pulling girls and all that, but, you see, that’s part of the problem. When the drive and focus is all about sex it becomes massively shrouded by ego.
There’s a whole lot of chest beating and braggadocio when it comes to sex. It’s just what happens.
Guys get laid and they get egotistical about it. It happens time and again, and even with guys who are normally modest. And often the brags are cleverly disguised as ‘stories’ or ‘lessons’, but make no mistake, they are brags!
When it comes to connection, well, it doesn’t quite satisfy the ego the same way when you tell your friends down at the bar how vulnerable you and your girlfriend are together.
You’re less likely to get a high five and a slap on the back and more likely to get a ‘eeeeewwww!’
But ultimately, what fulfils you?
If it was just sex that trip to the prostitute would be something you were committed to on a regular basis. But sex, in and of itself, isn’t fulfilling.
Connection is what is fulfilling.
And it just so happens that sex is a great way of expressing a deep connection. Sex is incredible when it takes place within the space of a deep, deep connection. It is liberating, ecstatic, heart-opening, emotional, body shaking and joyous.
Sex with someone that you really love is indescribable. Nothing comes close.
But make no mistake, it isn’t the sex it’s the connection. Sex is merely the expression of that connection.
Not much connection = not great sex!
And what happens when you make connection the end goal in your self-development journey?
Everything is harmonised!
Your interactions are all-of-a-sudden less needy. If connection is the end goal than you take your time and enjoy every step of the way, for every step of the interaction is an opportunity to connect regardless of the final outcome. Presence therefore permeates every interaction you have in a way it didn’t before.
You become deeply introspective and in touch with yourself. It is of course natural that the opportunity to connect starts with you. In connecting with yourself you become more self-aware internally and your external actions begin to reflect this internal self-knowing.
You remove yourself from the ego-driven madness of chasing sex that drives you to compare and compete, to brag and boast. You remove yourself from the hamster wheel of chasing validation that never really gets you anywhere other than chasing more validation.
You forgo surface level desire for deep connection, sacrificing surface level sex, validation and peer-recognition for the sake of nourishing yourself and whoever you relate to at the deepest level. You form a deep, impactful bond with another that transforms your life experience.
Or not…
Or, you could just keep chasing that next orgasm, that next trophy lay, that next brag, that next validation.
Want to get your dating life handled?
Sebastian Callow is a personal dating coach for men in London. Unlike other dating services he provides a practical, real-life coaching experience that actually involves meeting and interacting with women in everyday situations. Sebastian helps men develop the comfort and ease to express themselves with raw honesty. If you're unhappy with your dating life and you're hungry for change, the Personal Coaching Course could be exactly what you need.
I think this is the article that I needed to hear, the missing piece. I now have shifted my mindset. I can’t articulate it but I get it now.
Good to hear Curt! Glad you got what you needed.
Now I get where all this is coming from. Years ago, a boy may have talked to a girl and held hands and or danced at the school dance and other boys would come in and say, “Yeah, but did you fuck her.” So that developed into the only time it counted was if sex happened. So that became the sole goal. This in turn, and all the techniques learned or imagined, actually blocked a mans true sexual power, his energy, his own unique personality and therefore the more PUA you pile on, the worse you get with women. So like if you do a routine, you are giving her a false nugget when if you came in with your whole Authentinc Masculine energy that is what is truly seductive and when masculine and feminine energy is exchanged, that is when the Yin and Yang comes together and sex happens. Ah fucking Ha!
Ah fucking ha indeed Curt! Great insight, thanks for sharing!
I often feel that girls find me charming, funny etc, but it rarely turns into anything sexual. What do you suggest to do to take it to the next step?
A, become comfortable with expressing your sexuality. When you are comfortable with this, women will not be able to see as other than a sexual being, and the opportunities to progress these interactions will present themselves naturally.