You’re either perceived as a sexual being or you’re not… and most guys are not!
You’re probably one of them!
You might be good-looking, well-spoken, fashionable, intelligent and charming, but if you’re incapable of expressing your sexuality then you will never, ever escape the ‘friends zone’.
You will never, ever be perceived as anything more than a ‘great guy’.
But if a woman in your life was asked quite bluntly, “Would you fuck him?” Her face would scrunch up and she would pull that bemused expression that says, ‘I just don’t see him like that’.
Because you’ve totally lost touch with your sexuality and your sexual expression!
Make no mistake about it, you ARE a sexual being!
You can’t avoid it, your sexuality is part of the essence of who you are.
It determines who you’re attracted to and how your mind operates. But if it’s hidden, so is a huge aspect of who you are!
It means your less comfortable in your own skin than you might be, less free in expressing yourself from your core and almost certainly less happy.
When you walk up to a woman you’re attracted to and begin an interaction, she needs to know that you are a sexual being and the only way she can know that is through the way that you express yourself.
She needs to feel the sexuality of your expression, that you can penetrate her very being, just as you would if you were fucking her.
She needs to feel your gaze looking deep inside of her.
She needs to feel your smile caressing her.
She needs to feel the verbal expression of your attraction piercing her psyche.
She needs to feel the charge and excitement in your touch.
She needs to feel the incisiveness of your teasing.
In all of these ways and more she needs to feel penetrated by you. If none of this is present than she simply sees you as just ‘another guy’, asexual and unpolarising.
How in tune with your sexuality are you really?
How deeply can you feel the attraction inside you when you converse?
How much can you allow it to manifest within the conversation throughout all the communication channels, verbal and non-verbal?
This is not a difficult thing to do. All it requires is focus, attention and presence.
Where focus goes energy flows.
The more attention you bring to your sexuality, the more attention that you bring to the sexual feeling in your body and the attraction that you feel for the woman in front of you, the more that sexuality will ooze out of you!
Once you tap into your sexuality in this way you’ll transcend being just ‘another guy’ and women will begin to perceive you as a sexual threat.
Not an undesirable sexual threat but a desirable one.
Someone who is in tune with the rhythm of his body and unashamed to feel and express his sexuality.
The attraction a woman may feel for you is worthless without arousal, and arousal is nowhere to be found until you dial into your sexuality and begin to express yourself as a sexual being.
Want to get your dating life handled?Sebastian Callow is a personal dating coach for men in London. Unlike other dating services he provides a practical, real-life coaching experience that actually involves meeting and interacting with women in everyday situations. Sebastian helps men develop the comfort and ease to express themselves with raw honesty. If you're unhappy with your dating life and you're hungry for change, the Personal Coaching Course could be exactly what you need.
Sounds good, and I agree, but what should a normal guy without great abilites in flirting do as a start to get this sexual vibe?
Mostly wonderful article. Some of the phrasing doesn’t quite sit right with me, though. The title makes it still sound as if the man is supposed to be aggressive. However, what you’re really saying is to include one’s sexual energy into one’s presence. Beautiful idea — in most settings. It is totally possible to be a male with a horny aura without objectifying the woman in his presence. There’s also the not-so-small problem of dealing with women in a work setting where, much more often than not, any kind of sexual presence is verboten.
One last but crucial point that really goes to the crux of the biscuit…. It is totally possible, and in my opinion the most truly loving way to go, to have sexual energy without being threatening. If you rewrite one line to make it read “[W]omen will begin to see you as a sexual treat instead of a sexual threat.” and drop the next line, then you’ll paint the kind of picture I want to live in.
The spirit of my comments truly is supportive though, trying to turn a 98 into a 100. This article really kicks major quantities of ass! Keep it up! (In many senses of the word….)
Hey Goodheartduck, thanks for the kind words and the constructive criticism.
I’m glad that you can see upon reading the post that it’s not meant to be aggressive in anyway. Regarding a man being a ‘sexual threat’, I appreciate that this may sound somewhat shocking but I also believe that it is important that he is. I believe that when a woman is on a date with a man she should feel both totally comfortable in his presence but also the feeling of an imminent risk.
That feeling of imminent risk is not a fear of something untoward happening in this case, but rather an excitement that there is the serious possibility of the encounter becoming sexual at any given moment, including all the potential consequences of that eventuality.
If a woman doesn’t feel this then a man’s sexual intent isn’t dialled in. This is a big problem for a lot of men.
As I say in the post, a man should be a sexual threat, not an undesirable sexual threat but a desirable one. By this I mean someone she’s both excited by and nervous about having sex with. Without this a man is just a ‘nice guy’ whose unable to express his sexuality and therefore isn’t perceived as a sexual being or a potential suitor more-often-than-not.
For me, sometimes I feel that ‘fluffier’ language that ‘paints the picture of the world people want to live in’ can deviate from the cold, hard reality, and I always prefer reality more than fiction. I hope you understand, even if it’s not 100% to your taste.
Hey Tom, thanks for commenting.
The first step is to feel, rather than supress, the sexual energy in your body. In particular, do this when you are interacting with a woman you’re attracted to. In doing so, some of this sexual energy will be expressed subtly through your non-verbal communication. Don’t get lost in your mind as this can come off as creepy, instead stick to feeling the energy in your body and remain present and sensitive to the interaction. Deep breathing usually helps to move your attention into your body.
Thanks for your answer!
I am usually the nice guy with girls. Funny, charming etc, but I am not sexual enough, I think. From time to time I’m very forward, but it usually doesn’t work that great. I would like to have a more natural sexual confidence around women, without thinking so much about it. It would be nice to create sexual tension from talking, as I find that more difficult than through touch and look. I notice in your videos your are not very direct always, but for sure not the boring nice guy either. How can I communicate in a way that creates more tension? I know teasing is part of it, but I have never been really good at it. And if I do it, it’s with the girls I’m not that into sexually.
Once again, thanks for engaging. There’s a whole lot I could go into from your response but I’ll try and keep it concise.
First off, yeah I guess you could get the impression from this post that you have to be super-masculine and alpha when you’re talking to girls, running around boring holes in women with your lazer eye contact and dominating every social situation.
The reality is a lot simpler and more subtle than that.
The eye contact is just a little more penetrative than it is with a friend, the focus of the conversation is just a little more ‘about her’, there’s a little more inclination towards teasing and flirting, and there’s always a little touch that accentuates the communication. It’s not soooo direct! But it’s direct enough that she feels it. She feels that there’s more to it than just being friendly.
There’s a time and a place to be very direct, and that’s usually later on, on a date.
In terms of advice I can give you, the first thing I’d say is start off by stating your intent. Say something like, “Hey, you’re gorgeous, I had to meet you!” If you can be more specific and less generic with your compliment all-the-better. When you’ve stated your intent everything is clearer, including all the subtleties of your directness.
Second, make the conversation about her. Sometimes in order to get her to open up you’ll have to share a little about you first, but as much as you can get her to show herself to you and talk about herself. This shows a deeper interest in getting to know her. Try to anchor yourself in a genuine feeling of curiousity and attraction and this will shine through in your expression.
Third, don’t be afriad to tease, or even just make assumptions about her. This should be easy since the conversation is all ‘about her’. Enevitably she’ll tell you things about herself that you can make assumptions or tease her about. If she tells you she’s an accountant, you might say, “I never would have guessed. That’s the most boring job ever, except for… No, I can’t think of anything, that’s the most boring job ever!” Or if she says she’s just come from the gym you can say, “Let me guess, you’ve been hitting the gym super-hard lately in an effort to overcome your depression because you recently got dumped!” These kind of statements make for interesting, cheeky, flirtatious, outside-the-box conversations.
Fourth, speak up about your attraction to her at various points in the interaction. While she’s talking you might cut her off and say, “Sorry, I’m finding it really hard to listen right now since I’m just mesmerised by how full and sexy your lips are! Okay, I’ll concentrate now, keep talking…” Another favourite of mine is to call out the mutual attraction when you can feel it, to say, “Correct me if I’m wrong but I feel like there’s a strong mutual attraction here…” followed by silence.
You can witness this in action here at 4:52 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5EGDTf5d3V4&list=TLVNcb2Oi2_eg
I could go on but that’s a few things to think through for now. Any questions, just ask.
If you’re based in London and you want a free 45 minute trial session, just email me at email@example.com and we can get a bit deeper into it.
Thank you Sebastian!
Good advice! What I like about the stuff you write is that it’s very understandable for a normal man. Lots of dating advice is quite ridiculous, while the things you write seem useful and not full of weird “The Game” like tricks.
I would like to use the possibiity to ask a few more questions.
I have read in one of your earlier blog posts that you don’t like internet dating. I can understand it, but I recently started using Tinder, and I have gone from close to zero to lots of dates in a very short time. But I often find myself unable to express my desires on a date, like I wrote earlier I have problems with. It’s also all the stuff around when to kiss, wait for a magic moment/when it feels very obvious it’s ok, second or third date etc. What would you say about this? When is it “too early” to go for a kiss?
I try to be physical on these dates, but I don’t know if I seem very sexual. I usually touch her arm a few times during the conversation, maybe give her a hug. But not more than this. How can I use touching in a good way to become more sexual?
I also lack sexual confidence often. This affects my interaction with women. I am quite inexperinced for my age. I try to avoid letting it affect me, but it does. How can I handle this?
You mention going up to a woman telling her she is beautiful. Do you change your approach if you are in a bar compared to the street?
…which leads me to my last topic: Daygame. I am intrigued by your videos. You are very brave. I would love to try it myself. Since it’s unusual it’s also powerful I think. Any advice for a daygame virgin who wants to try it out? I have a lot of irrational fear surrounding it, like the women I approach being mean or the boyfriend suddenly turning up to hit me in the face…
Anyway, thank you! If I am in London I will do the trial session for sure.
I’m not totally against online dating and Tinder does seem to be a step up from traditional online dating. However, I believe it should be just a supplement to meeting women face-to-face, something you do as well as but not instead of meeting women in first-time face-to-face interactions. One of the reasons for this is because, as you mentioned, it’s no good getting dates if you don’t have sexual confidence and the ability to succeed at dating. Expressing yourself with women in first-time face-to-face meetings, when done in the right way, will help you develop this sexual confidence and give you a better chance of succeeding on dates.
Regarding kissing, I just released a video on this topic. You can find it here…
It’s quite difficult to give you precise advice over the comments section of a blog post having never met you. However, I would reiterate that it’s important to feel the sexual energy in your body and allow that to manifest in your non-verbal communication; your smile, your touch, your eye contact. If you find this too difficult, try just saying it verbally. Tell her, “you know I find you very attractive, you’re very feminine.” And if this feels awkward to say, just tell her that too, “I’m not very good at giving compliments but i just felt like i had to tell you.” This will do wonders for breaking through your comfort zone and getting in touch with expressing your sexuality just a little.
Meeting women during the day is indeed easier on a practical level and in terms of creating an impact. However, often, it is more difficult for guys psychologically, which is why it really helps to have a mentor.
Sorry to spam your blog like this, but…I followed your advice and became more direct, something which lead to more success than ever before. However, I struggle with the next stage, keeping the woman interested over time. There is one girl in particular I am talking about. I met her right after I last wrote here. We kissed and went home to me the first night I met her, after I told her she was beautiful. This has rarely happened to me before, not that fast at least. Maybe the chemistry wasn’t right, but after some time she wasn’t interested in meeting me more. I struggled in bed, because I lack experience for my age, which can lead to that I wont get an erection at all as the worst scenario, or at least that I am nervous, self conscious and don’t enjoy it because I have no clue what to do. How would you deal with this? I am shameful about this, and I don’t know how to deal with it. I also find it hard to keep the tension and spark there after “getting” someone. It might have something to do with openness. Should I just be open and tell how I feel at any time? I have no problem having conversations, being interesting and funny. I guess what I struggle with is what you write about in the article above. Thanks for your help, I appreciate it!! Your last comment really changed a lot for me.
Hey Tom, apologies for the delayed reply.
Great that you’re having some success. If you’re having ‘performance issues’ in the bedroom it’s often an indication that you’re moving too fast for your own comfort. Unfortunately, in society, as men, we are always expected to be ready and to want have sex whenever possible. To add to that, there is a biological urge. However, sometimes it’s better to wait until you feel totally comfortable with the woman in question, and when you do you won’t have a problem.
If you’re really courageous, and I believe you are, you can even tell her why you want to slow things down. Tell her that you like to feel totally comfortable with whoever you have sex with and that way the sex is much better. If she doesn’t understand then she probably isn’t someone you want to get intimate with.
Trust in your own intuition. Do you feel totally comfortable with this woman to do something intimate? If the answer is ‘no’ but you try to deny it because you want to have sex, likely, your penis will let you down. This is what is sometimes known as ‘the wisdom of the penis’.
Great stuff here.wish the internet was around back when. ….Would have eased a lot of confusion. And angst..
Keep it up!…..No pun intended.